A Teens Journey Through Addiction

This kid!...

our 9th child,

18 years old,

didn't graduate from high school,

can't drive until he's 21 years old due to drug charges,

lives in a half-way house and washes dishes in a restaurant,

and we simply could not be more proud of him and his accomplishments!!!  

Why?

Because in one week, we will celebrate a major milestone in his journey...ONE YEAR OF SOBRIETY....Yeah!!!!

At this time last year, we were picking him up from jail and driving him across the mountains to a  drug treatment facility.  He was so angry that we had to have his older brother ride along for extra protection in case he bolted or got violent.  I was literally shaking during the entire three hour drive!  Our relationship with him was almost completely broken.  We were all hurt and angry.

After 35 days in that treatment center, we drove 5 hours to the next one and he stayed there for 3 more months.

When his time there was up, we had no choice but to bring him home until we could find an available bed at an Oxford House (a clean and sober half-way house).  And he's been there ever since.

Its not that we didn't want him to stay home,  in fact, I grieved heavily at losing him again.  You see, he is such a bright, funny, loving, magnetic person.  He lights up every room he enters with a huge smile.  Drugs had stolen that person from me since the time he was 11 and then when he had finally gotten clean, and we could see glimmers of the boy we once knew coming back out, he wasn't able to stay.  And I felt robbed again.

But his drug buddies lived around us, and he couldn't risk falling into that lifestyle again.  Not only that, but he had gotten pretty heavy into dealing drugs and their were several people who wanted him dead...literally!

And now, here we are!  One year clean and sober...no alcohol, pot, Molly, mushrooms, cocaine, etc.  None of it...!

Here is our story...
I don't want this to come across like we did it right or have all the answers, far from it!  But rather,  in the hope that it will help someone who is in a similar situation and needs some encouragement, its a lonely road!

It took 3 years of fighting law enforcement to get him arrested enough times or for a serious enough offense that the court would order drug treatment.  That's right~ I was the crazy mom who called the police, called parole officers, called the court, called juvenile detention...hours upon hours of phone calls, snapping pictures of every shred of evidence I could find and waving it in peoples faces until someone finally heard me cry..."Help him!!!" ..."Please, someone help him before he's 18 and its too late!"

Why did I need the court to send him to treatment?  Because in our state, you can't force someone to go to counseling after the age of 13, let alone treatment.  Its ridiculous! He was a danger to society and himself, but unless he admitted there was a problem and chose to seek help on his own, there was nothing we could do.  So we hounded the system.  Praise God it worked for us, but there are WAY too many people who don't get to enjoy such happy outcomes.

The system is broken.  Especially when it comes to drug abuse and mental illness. ( I will tell you about our run-ins with the mental health circus sometime...that was a crazy ride!..no pun intended :P) But along the way, you learn valuable little tidbits that help you out...
For instance--in our state, every time you call 911 on your child his name gets on a list that goes to a Juvenile Court Judge, if he sees your childs name come up enough times, he can order him to appear in court to find out whats going on.
So, like a Mom on a mission to save her child, I called him in for everything you were allowed to call in for; leaving the house without permission, threatening people, damaging property, illegal possession of drugs or drug related items, skipping school...you name it, I called.

Some cops understood my mission and even applauded it.  Others complained that I was wasting their time.  It seemed to just be the luck of the draw.

At one point, we got him signed up for the Youth At Risk program.  Its a program through Juvenile Court where they bring in a mediator to try to assess how bad things are and help the family get things back on track.  If the kid won't cooperate, then they turn them over to a Judge, who then takes over the parenting role and consequences for breaking family rules becomes time in detention.

Its a good program for kids like ours, who really couldn't give a darn about house rules or school at all.  The Court Appointed Mediator was great and actually gave David and I the green light to lay down some heavy consequences that hesitated to do before.  It didn't take long for our little runaway to decide he didn't like the pressure and he decided Jobcorp was a better option for him.  But that only lasted about 5 months before he was kicked out for drug use...no big surprise!

Our big break came in December of 2014, when we received a notice from the court that he would have to appear before a judge for a drug charge from 10 months prior!!! Way back in February he had been caught on school property (big no-no) with a baggie of pot.  It had taken 10 months for them to formally charge him.  So in January, we went to court, he was found guilty and sentenced to 3 days in Juvie-big whoop.  But, the best thing that came out of it was that he had to serve 9 month probation, and his probation officer was GREAT!  She saw what was going on and was watching him, and all his cronies.  If she even caught a whiff of something fishy, she was ON IT.  Plus, she really made me feel like we were a team.  She understood my desperation to get him help and encouraged me to let her know if I saw him doing anything questionable.  Three months into it and he was locked up for a month with an order to go straight from detention into rehab.  She had compiled a laundry list of parole violations ranging from being 10 minutes late to out-patient drug counseling to a failed UA (urine analysis drug test).  Nothing horribly serious, but enough that the Judge could see that although our son was good at covering his tracks, he really did need some help.

Little did they know how right they were.  We found out later, that during that same period of time drug dealers had almost shot him!  They had jumped him right in our neighborhood, drove him to a remote location, beat him up and had a gun to his head!  He was saved by a curious stranger passing by with a spotlight.  True story!

That was the final trip to detention and the beginning of sobriety.  Today, he is loving his new life!

And this week we get the joy (yes, it is a joy again! Thank you, Jesus :) ) of spending a few days at the beach with him.  We will have a celebration honoring his amazing accomplishments and present him with this token...

We know that sobriety is very fragile.  It will be a life-long journey that he has to take one day at a time.  There may be set backs, but we praise God for His mercy and faithfulness to us and pray that you will not lose heart in yours.

I love the mandate that God gave in Joshua 1:7, "Only be strong and very courageous, ...do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go."


In His love,
Cath

Read about his celebration...

May the road rise up to meet you...

Today I realized that all my children will be home for Easter-Hurray!!!!

 A year ago, I never would have guessed at the enormity of that statement.  The last 12 months have seen changes that I could not have imagined.  God is good, life is temperamental.

I have learned that it is difficult to avoid looking forward without some element of fear.  Knowing there will be joys along the way isn't enough to calm a nervous soul; even though reminders of the sort are a favorite form of comfort from well-meaning friends.  The reality is that we are weak and vulnerable, and we know it.  Look at the animal world and you will see how the meek react in the face of danger.  They don't face it bravely, they run and hide-a very natural reaction.

If the turmoil in my life has taught me anything, its that I am living in a broken world.  I cannot change that and all the good thoughts I can think, don't make me any more prepared to face the hardships.  Good times are a band aid; they cover the wound and help keep out the infection of bitterness.  They don't prevent hurts, prepare you for them, or even make them heal any faster.

My life is filled with joys, I am thankful for them.  But my comfort comes from the fact that I don't walk alone.  That my Savior walks with me through the only Hell that I will ever know.  My comfort is in the knowledge that I don't have to like my circumstance; I can cry, weep, wail (which I am getting VERY good at, by the way), struggle, tear my clothes, and pull my hair out. But at the end of the day, I realize that I am the one that He has chosen to walk this path and by His grace, walk it I will!

The real danger in hardship is in working so hard to handle it 'correctly', we continue to look inward.
                                          (Please read that sentence again.)
 Focusing on every detail of our emotional state that we forget to look out...to look UP!
If God thought we could go through our challenges the 'right' way (whatever that is),

 He never would have given them to us!

 What???

That's right.

 He knew we would kick, scream, get angry, be selfish, thrash around...and then, look UP.  Like a toddler that finally decides to quiet their fit and listen, we take a breath and do the same.  Then we listen, and we learn. 

We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off,
 
                                  feel a little better for having gotten it all out,
 
                                                                                    take His hand ...

                                                              and keep walking!

Change is in the air!

   David left yesterday for a business trip and won't be back until late Thursday night.  Although I will miss him terribly, the thought of him going isn't nearly as overwhelming these days.

In the past, we could pretty much count on the fact that there would be some sort of "event" when he was away.

For the safety of everyone, we had decided to never have Miss A home when David was out of town. You can read more about it HERE  The difficulty was finding somewhere for her to go, since he travels fairly frequently.

What a difference it made knowing that she was somewhere safe and we could look forward to a somewhat 'normal' week.

I slept like a baby.  In the past, I have laid awake most of the night on alert for what might happen.  My hands would be shaky every moment of every day that he was away.  But when he'd call to check on us, I would try my hardest to pretend that I was relaxed and happy.  I couldn't bear to let him know how I suffered!  His job is challenging enough without having the added stress of wondering if your family was safe.

At 2:00 I cheerfully dropped him off at the ferry and drove home without a care.  In fact, I had a lovely phone conversation with Miss A on the way home!

She sounds great!  Missing us of course, but not distraught.  Miss S talked to her too and noticed how much more 'grown up' she sounded.  I agree.  She seems to be processing things in a much more mature way.  I'm very proud of her and miss her so much, despite the past.  We talked about how this whole thing is going to be very good for all of us-I really believe that!

I even took time to sew a new purse!

Before he left...

We broke the news to the kids that we would be implementing the new points/rewards system for behavior that the MTFC program (that Miss A is in) requires.  The program director would like us to have the same system they use in her foster family in place when she comes home for visitation.  Although the kids hate the thought, David and I are pretty excited about it.  

David answering questions about the "new program"

Points/ reward systems are not usually very effective for kids with attachment issues, which most kids who are adopted have to some degree.  It becomes one more thing that they use to control and manipulate you, therefore, I don't usually advocate using them.  But as this is required for the program, and as it has been designed for VERY challenging children, I am looking forward to giving it a try.

Here is a very basic outline of what is required at the first of three "levels".  I will introduce you to the other two levels as soon as the program director gives us that information.

Points                     things required to earn points                                                                                             

5                            up on time

15                          ready for the day-brush teeth, 

                              clean clothes, eat breakfast

15                          morning clean up-make bed, 

                              clothes away, room neat,

                               personal items put away

10                          pass inspection- 

                              backpack, pockets, room check

15                          homework done, 

                              read and study time

10                          chore

15                         ** school card

                             (teacher signature and performance)

15                          attitude/maturity-

                                respectful problem solving,

                                accepting 'no', follow directions -A.M.

15                          attitude/maturity--P.M.

10                          shower/bedtime

5                            medication-taken nicely

0-5 bonus               caught doing something good

** School card signed by each teacher stating if they had all homework done, behavior was good, tardy or not, etc.  We will only do this for classes they have below a C

***  They must earn at least 100 points each day in order to "spend" points for privileges the next day

Privilege                  Description          Point cost   

Basics                   Radio/tv in room,       40

                             9pm bedtime   

     

Later bedtime        Later bedtime

                              on non-school days    15

phone calls             to approved

                              list of friends         15 for 20 min

other                      computer time, 

                                stereo,                     20 for 30 min

                               nintendo, 

                              etc with approval   

                                                  

tv                           after chores 

                              and homework             20

points bank            save extra points

                             for special privileges  

                              cost negotiated

                               

 additional ideas

(what motivates you?)

Making Progress-our first day in family therapy

Monday was our first day of family therapy for the MTFC program that Miss A is in.

Despite my struggle to deal with the anger that had been brewing in me for so long, I found myself saying a lot of really nice things about my daughter!

It kind of took me by surprise-in a good way :)

It reminded me that even though we have gone through some incredibly difficult things with her, she is still my daughter and I do really, really love her.

And maybe most importantly, I have not lost hope for her or our relationship.

The folks in the program continue to impress David and I with their compassion and understanding. 

Within the adoption realm there are a lot of families who are frustrated with therapists that don't 'get it'.  They fail to understand the complex issues surrounding children with trauma and attachment issues.  Therapists are hypnotized by a child's outward charms into the belief that all problems stem from a lack of proper parenting. The message that parents receive is that the issues they are dealing with originate from not doing enough to 'honor the child's culture' or 'understanding their pain'.  Unfortunately, the child hears this too and is armed with even more ammunition against his family.

We felt like we were going to face a firing squad when we left that morning.  But nothing could be farther from the truth!  Although the therapist was clearly empathic towards Miss A and all that she has gone through that has led to this place, she did not blame us or point a finger of correction at us in any way.

She seemed to recognize that we are doing our best and that we want nothing more than to see her find a sense of hope again.

We are suppose to implement at home a points/reward system that they use.  That way, when she comes home for visits and when she gets home, there wont be any confusing gaps or changes.  The program that they use will just flow over into our lives, too.

I have to admit that I'm a little skeptical.

Order, repetition and consistency are not my forte.

Also, what we do with one child, we will have to do with everyone, which makes the idea even more overwhelming.

But, I'm game.

Who knows, maybe it will be just the ticket for everyone-?

Time to relax and refuel, the key to keeping a marriage healthy

Early Saturday morning, David and I decided that we would sneak away for the weekend.  The timing could not have been better.  Both of us were wound pretty tight after the past few weeks of dealing with Miss A, I think the kids were as happy to have us leave as we were :)
There's a decent hotel in Silverdale where we can get a huge room with a kitchenette and little living room for a great price.  We get there quick and spend the time we would normally be travelling, sitting in the hot tub!  It may not be the most exotic get away, but we have lots of "down time" which is critical for us.

Ahhh...so nice to relax and enjoy each others company

A quiet dinner, movie, laughter and sleeping late is just what the doctor ordered.

The weather smiled just long enough for us to have a wonderful walk along the Clear Creek trail.  Birds were everywhere.  A pair of Killdeer cautiously allowed us to watch their 4 little babies peck around in the mud before calling them to safety under moms wings.  

Daddy Killdeer standing guard

We determined to make bird watching walks a regular date time.  Amid all the chaos of life, David is always so willing to invest in our marriage any way he can.  I am so thankful for the enduring friendship we share.

A little Junco in our tree

Two woodpeckers, a Pileated and a Flicker at our feeder

Wednesday, April 13

Today is the day!  Long, restless night without much sleep.  Miss A was restless too.  I suppose it feels a bit like knowing you will have to walk the plank in the morning.  We tried to give her lots of snuggles and encouragement, but no matter what we say, this will be one of the hardest days of her life.
Confirmation came for David and I throughout the day yesterday.  Parents who had gone through it with their own children called to remind us that there are times we have to make the hard decisions for the good of the group.  Even my 18 year old niece, who is also from Ethiopia, called to give her thoughts and suggestions.  Normally, that would seem a little strange, except that she has walked a very similar path as our Miss A.  She too, struggled to control her anger.  In her case, she ended up spending 6 months in Juvenile Detention for assault.  A very real potential for Miss A, as the last blow up involved assaulting me and her brother.  My niece had some great ideas about how we could stay connected to Miss A while she is away to lessen her feelings that we 'abandoned' her.  Things like not forgetting to still make a big deal about her birthday, daily letters to let her know she's not forgotten, and involving her in family events, are all things that meant a lot to my niece.  We had already planned on doing all of that, but it was good to be reminded to not let it slack.  She really felt like the most important thing she learned while away was how to use positive activities to release anger, instead of bad ones.  Practicing those activities daily to make them part of a daily routine makes them something that she would be more likely to choose when feeling stressed, was her advice.  I thought that was brilliant and definitely something we would want to work into her behavior plan that they implement in her therapeutic home.
Miss A is incredibly unmotivated!  She despises doing anything that takes physical exertion or effort.  Therefore, what inevitably happens is that she will sit for hours in a chair near the fire and gradually feel worse and worse about herself and everyone else until she finally blows.  Its a pattern we have seen played out time and time again.  Any suggestions on our part to get up and do something to derail the train and change the trajectory of the anger, is met by a brick wall of refusal.
As I understand it, this program will be designed around teaching her that she needs to earn the right to do what she wants.  In that way, she will need to do a certain number of 'positive' activities in order to earn the right to sit in a chair by the fire.  My niece said that it was being forced to do good things each day that got her to really enjoy doing them, but it was a battle at the time!
I know without a doubt that we are not the people that can most effectively teach Miss A those skills.  We have tried and tried but it has become a game for her to refuse.  She has designed the framework in such a way that she 'has to' push back or accept defeat, which is way too scary!!!!  It is our prayer that a change of environment will allow her to change her framework without us hovering over her and watching. Plus, she will have the natural motivation of coming home to spur her on.
Oh, my friends, this will be a day to remember.  My heart is aching and I covet your prayers!

Tuesday, April 12

We got a call from the director of MTFC at Kitsap Mental Health.  Miss A has been accepted into the Therapeutic Behavioral Management program and will be going to her therapeutic home on Wednesday.  I'm as jumpy as a cat on a hot stove today!  I have such a rush of conflicting emotions.  If you would have told me  8 years ago that we would accept this girl from a disrupted adoption, only to have her live with another family for 6-9 months while she learns to manage her anger, I would have said you were crazy!  Then again, if you told me that 8 years later our whole family would be held captive by her anger and that I would have the bruises to show it, again I would argue that to be impossible!
I love my daughter and would gladly give my health and sanity to make her well.  But that is not the question we need to ask, it is this...would we give up the health, sanity and safety of all the other children for hers?  I have always been the one to take in children that can't stay in their homes, it doesn't just break my heart to send her away, it many ways breaks my conscience.
The only thing that makes this bearable is the way the program is designed.  She will go and live in one of their specially trained homes not 40 minutes away, we will meet with her for weekly therapy sessions, she will get to come home for visits, she will get one on one attention in her new home and come back home in 6-9 months better able to manage her anger.  Meanwhile, David and I will adjust our parenting skills to be more affective, we will get the other children help with their trauma, tighten the reigns on the unruly behaviors that can be very provocative to Miss A and in the end (hopefully) have a much healthier family.  

Thursday, April 7

According to the calendar, spring has arrived.  This year it finds me sitting on a heating pad in my bed with a stocking cap on, while I write this post.  It is 33 degrees outside and we are out of dry firewood, not usually a problem for this time of year.  I don't mind though, its cozy in here and the sun is shining, giving me hope that the day will warm.
I'm hoping that it warms enough to make viewing Mr. C's baseball game a bit more comfortable, though.  It will be the first one this season that I have seen.  Between rain-outs and lack of communication on his part,  I've missed a lot of action.  For some reason, he wasn't telling me when he had a game and I decided not to push it.  My hunch is that he was unhappy with how he was playing and waited to have me there until he loosened up a bit.  Poor guy, I wish he didn't wrap so much of his personal identity up in his ability to play!
Miss A continues to be stubborn and angry with me.  I find it almost peaceful, since she refuses to talk to me.  Sounds horrid of me, I know, but typically she nips at me and everyone else all day long.  The peace is refreshing, even though you could cut the tension with a butter knife :-P
I spent most yesterday on the phone with the DCFS Family Reconciliation Service Agency, our Psych office, pediatric doctors office, friends that have friends that might be able to help, Kitsap Mental Health....ie-gathering information and resources and trying to put together a plan that will help us have a workable scenario for keeping Miss A home.  Like a dog in the garden, I'm digging like crazy to find that hidden bone- a perfect plan that we can grab onto that allows her to remain at home without sacrificing the peace and safety of everyone else in the process. I caught a few sniffs of possible options yesterday, but will need to follow up today.  Ir sounds like Group Health may help pay for outside help if they can agree upon a treatment plan with  the "outside" provider.  This was wonderful news!  We really like the Psychiatrist that she has, but treatment has focused primarily on stabilizing her Psychosis with meds and not dealing with the underlying issues or on her behavioral problems.
A workable plan might be one that includes emergency respite care for when she has an "episode" and behavioral therapy/management and treatment for her underlying PTSD.  It needs to be with someone who isn't easily manipulated or ensnared by her charms into believing that she's fine, which is what we have struggled with in the past.
So all this = more calls today.
David and I were able to get out for a bit together after the kids went to bed.  Living with all this tension has taken its toll on our relationship.  Our unshakable unity has always been a source of strength and comfort to both of us in the past.  Lately, we find ourselves questioning the other persons tactics or motives in dealing with the children.  Its sad how quickly that shakes the foundation of a marriage, thus the family.  Living with people who are unstable mentally, creates an atmosphere of  instability that taints how everyone thinks.  You can't trust your own feeling or anyone else's.  No one behaves rationally because they are functioning from a place of fear.  One fear that may be helpful for us is the fear of NOT being unified.  We are so afraid of having to parent alone that we will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and stay unified.  I say that with a little smirk on my face, but really, its true.
Our was fun, coupon shopping at Rite Aid and Albertsons!  Its become sort of a hobby with us to hunt down the best bargains combining sales with coupons.  Toting our "coupon binder" in which we've collected and carefully filed away coupons from the Sunday papers, we head out to the stores with the best advertised deals on products we use. Our big wins last night were- 10 boxes of cereal for $1.25 each, a Venus razor for $2.00 (normally $11), 5 boxes of granola bars for around $1.35 each and Purex laundry detergent, 46 loads for $1.99 each. In the end, we spent around $60 and saved close to $100, plus got $9 off our next shopping trip.  Love it!  David is like a kid in a candy shop when we find a good deal -so cute!  We make it a little competition to see who can find the best deals, high fives and fist pounding to whoever discovers one.  Great fun!

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo