Wednesday, April 13

Today is the day!  Long, restless night without much sleep.  Miss A was restless too.  I suppose it feels a bit like knowing you will have to walk the plank in the morning.  We tried to give her lots of snuggles and encouragement, but no matter what we say, this will be one of the hardest days of her life.
Confirmation came for David and I throughout the day yesterday.  Parents who had gone through it with their own children called to remind us that there are times we have to make the hard decisions for the good of the group.  Even my 18 year old niece, who is also from Ethiopia, called to give her thoughts and suggestions.  Normally, that would seem a little strange, except that she has walked a very similar path as our Miss A.  She too, struggled to control her anger.  In her case, she ended up spending 6 months in Juvenile Detention for assault.  A very real potential for Miss A, as the last blow up involved assaulting me and her brother.  My niece had some great ideas about how we could stay connected to Miss A while she is away to lessen her feelings that we 'abandoned' her.  Things like not forgetting to still make a big deal about her birthday, daily letters to let her know she's not forgotten, and involving her in family events, are all things that meant a lot to my niece.  We had already planned on doing all of that, but it was good to be reminded to not let it slack.  She really felt like the most important thing she learned while away was how to use positive activities to release anger, instead of bad ones.  Practicing those activities daily to make them part of a daily routine makes them something that she would be more likely to choose when feeling stressed, was her advice.  I thought that was brilliant and definitely something we would want to work into her behavior plan that they implement in her therapeutic home.
Miss A is incredibly unmotivated!  She despises doing anything that takes physical exertion or effort.  Therefore, what inevitably happens is that she will sit for hours in a chair near the fire and gradually feel worse and worse about herself and everyone else until she finally blows.  Its a pattern we have seen played out time and time again.  Any suggestions on our part to get up and do something to derail the train and change the trajectory of the anger, is met by a brick wall of refusal.
As I understand it, this program will be designed around teaching her that she needs to earn the right to do what she wants.  In that way, she will need to do a certain number of 'positive' activities in order to earn the right to sit in a chair by the fire.  My niece said that it was being forced to do good things each day that got her to really enjoy doing them, but it was a battle at the time!
I know without a doubt that we are not the people that can most effectively teach Miss A those skills.  We have tried and tried but it has become a game for her to refuse.  She has designed the framework in such a way that she 'has to' push back or accept defeat, which is way too scary!!!!  It is our prayer that a change of environment will allow her to change her framework without us hovering over her and watching. Plus, she will have the natural motivation of coming home to spur her on.
Oh, my friends, this will be a day to remember.  My heart is aching and I covet your prayers!

Tuesday, April 12

We got a call from the director of MTFC at Kitsap Mental Health.  Miss A has been accepted into the Therapeutic Behavioral Management program and will be going to her therapeutic home on Wednesday.  I'm as jumpy as a cat on a hot stove today!  I have such a rush of conflicting emotions.  If you would have told me  8 years ago that we would accept this girl from a disrupted adoption, only to have her live with another family for 6-9 months while she learns to manage her anger, I would have said you were crazy!  Then again, if you told me that 8 years later our whole family would be held captive by her anger and that I would have the bruises to show it, again I would argue that to be impossible!
I love my daughter and would gladly give my health and sanity to make her well.  But that is not the question we need to ask, it is this...would we give up the health, sanity and safety of all the other children for hers?  I have always been the one to take in children that can't stay in their homes, it doesn't just break my heart to send her away, it many ways breaks my conscience.
The only thing that makes this bearable is the way the program is designed.  She will go and live in one of their specially trained homes not 40 minutes away, we will meet with her for weekly therapy sessions, she will get to come home for visits, she will get one on one attention in her new home and come back home in 6-9 months better able to manage her anger.  Meanwhile, David and I will adjust our parenting skills to be more affective, we will get the other children help with their trauma, tighten the reigns on the unruly behaviors that can be very provocative to Miss A and in the end (hopefully) have a much healthier family.  

Thursday, April 7

According to the calendar, spring has arrived.  This year it finds me sitting on a heating pad in my bed with a stocking cap on, while I write this post.  It is 33 degrees outside and we are out of dry firewood, not usually a problem for this time of year.  I don't mind though, its cozy in here and the sun is shining, giving me hope that the day will warm.
I'm hoping that it warms enough to make viewing Mr. C's baseball game a bit more comfortable, though.  It will be the first one this season that I have seen.  Between rain-outs and lack of communication on his part,  I've missed a lot of action.  For some reason, he wasn't telling me when he had a game and I decided not to push it.  My hunch is that he was unhappy with how he was playing and waited to have me there until he loosened up a bit.  Poor guy, I wish he didn't wrap so much of his personal identity up in his ability to play!
Miss A continues to be stubborn and angry with me.  I find it almost peaceful, since she refuses to talk to me.  Sounds horrid of me, I know, but typically she nips at me and everyone else all day long.  The peace is refreshing, even though you could cut the tension with a butter knife :-P
I spent most yesterday on the phone with the DCFS Family Reconciliation Service Agency, our Psych office, pediatric doctors office, friends that have friends that might be able to help, Kitsap Mental Health....ie-gathering information and resources and trying to put together a plan that will help us have a workable scenario for keeping Miss A home.  Like a dog in the garden, I'm digging like crazy to find that hidden bone- a perfect plan that we can grab onto that allows her to remain at home without sacrificing the peace and safety of everyone else in the process. I caught a few sniffs of possible options yesterday, but will need to follow up today.  Ir sounds like Group Health may help pay for outside help if they can agree upon a treatment plan with  the "outside" provider.  This was wonderful news!  We really like the Psychiatrist that she has, but treatment has focused primarily on stabilizing her Psychosis with meds and not dealing with the underlying issues or on her behavioral problems.
A workable plan might be one that includes emergency respite care for when she has an "episode" and behavioral therapy/management and treatment for her underlying PTSD.  It needs to be with someone who isn't easily manipulated or ensnared by her charms into believing that she's fine, which is what we have struggled with in the past.
So all this = more calls today.
David and I were able to get out for a bit together after the kids went to bed.  Living with all this tension has taken its toll on our relationship.  Our unshakable unity has always been a source of strength and comfort to both of us in the past.  Lately, we find ourselves questioning the other persons tactics or motives in dealing with the children.  Its sad how quickly that shakes the foundation of a marriage, thus the family.  Living with people who are unstable mentally, creates an atmosphere of  instability that taints how everyone thinks.  You can't trust your own feeling or anyone else's.  No one behaves rationally because they are functioning from a place of fear.  One fear that may be helpful for us is the fear of NOT being unified.  We are so afraid of having to parent alone that we will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and stay unified.  I say that with a little smirk on my face, but really, its true.
Our was fun, coupon shopping at Rite Aid and Albertsons!  Its become sort of a hobby with us to hunt down the best bargains combining sales with coupons.  Toting our "coupon binder" in which we've collected and carefully filed away coupons from the Sunday papers, we head out to the stores with the best advertised deals on products we use. Our big wins last night were- 10 boxes of cereal for $1.25 each, a Venus razor for $2.00 (normally $11), 5 boxes of granola bars for around $1.35 each and Purex laundry detergent, 46 loads for $1.99 each. In the end, we spent around $60 and saved close to $100, plus got $9 off our next shopping trip.  Love it!  David is like a kid in a candy shop when we find a good deal -so cute!  We make it a little competition to see who can find the best deals, high fives and fist pounding to whoever discovers one.  Great fun!

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo

Tuesday, April 5

I may sound a bit grumpy tonight, my apologies. 

Most of my day was spent trying to compose a simple email asking friends and family if they would consider helping us out by taking Miss A when David is out of town on business.  Why is it so very difficult to ask for help?  It seems so selfish to ask other people to disrupt their lives in order to help make ours more manageable.  But I am more convinced than ever that I cannot be left home with her when he is gone. 

She confessed to me and everyone in the car on the way home from school, that she doesn’t obey me, only David, because he has a more intimidating voice.  It’s sad.  After everything that we have gone through with her and for her, that she doesn’t have any desire to obey us, just out of love and respect.  It  only comes down to the tenor of our voices!  I wonder how far we have really come in 8 years of relationship building-? 

The rest of the afternoon went from bad to worse.  She went around the house demanding this and that from me and other people.  Dictated what we could and couldn’t say or do.  When we refused to comply, her grumpy mood escalated.  At that point, I decided that the other kids didn’t need to be subjected to her foul mood.  So we loaded into the van and left her alone with herself.  I treated them to pizza and ice cream, a much better way to spend the afternoon than listening to her grump. 

Part way through the evening I got a call from a police officer saying that she was at our house in response to a 911 call.  Apparently, Miss A had called 911 to say that she was not getting along with her parents and wanted a new home.  The police officer came to the house, checked things out and saw that she wasn’t in any danger and hadn’t trashed the place and calmly told her that she needed to work things out with us.  Escape is  our daughters only solution.  She cannot see any other way.  She has no tools for resolution and no desire to do the work needed to gain the tools.

Again, I apologize for complaining and talking bad about her, but I’m at a low spot.  A place that I know many others have been at before with their own children.  For better or worse, I’m determined to share our journey so that others can learn from it.  Take the good and be blessed or learn from our mistakes and vow to do better-either way is good.

The strain on our marriage is hard to bear.  If we could always agree on how to handle her, or be ever-so-careful to not place blame, it would be so wonderful.  But that is not always the reality.  David and I are a team, but when you are both so tired and stressed, its easy to let hurtful words slip or imagine you are being attacked.  You imagine all sorts of things that may or may not be true.  It’s not o.k. to lash out on your child, the very person causing stress yet the one you are both desperately trying to save, so you lash out on each other.  But all you have is each other.  You agreed to have the other persons back.  They are not the enemy!  So you remember that, vent a little, cry a lot, and reposition onto the same side of the playing field again.  Game on!

How God Holds Us

 This picture says it all. 

 Here are two people that reached beyond the differences between them and loved each other deeply.
This is our Mr. J and my grandma.  A strong, kind, good woman that accepted the hardships in her life with grace and dignity.

The rest of the picture is just as beautiful.  A slight, curly haired boy with dark eyes stands with his hand on the shoulder of an old woman in a wheel chair and they look lovingly into each others eyes.  Though hers are dim and she can barely see, her memory is faded and spotty so that its difficult to remember names and faces, yet she knows without a doubt who is holding her hand.

A precious moment in time.  One that makes the angels sing on high.  These are the gifts of heaven, a glimpse into eternity.  The times that fill our hearts and mend the hurts.  A touch from the Divine.

We miss Grandma daily, and we don't know how long we will have Mr. J with us.  Riddled from birth with unanswered health issues, he is a miracle of  life.  But no matter what the future holds, we have been given moments like this, a healing balm for our aching hearts.

Be Blessed,
Cathy

I met someone today, you would have liked her.  Since the morning met me with grey, dark drizzle, I had intended to rebel against getting up at all. Tthen remembered that it was Friday, Womens Bible Study day at church.  So instead of chasing the kids out the door  for school and then climbing back under covers, I did my hour of Zumba ("It is the one that makes you sweat" and their are not kidding!), showered and rushed off to Bible study.
We have not been going to this church very long and the room was full of strangers.  In some ways I like that, its a clean slate.  General introductions were made and I found myself seated next to a woman who was a little older than myself, one who shares my name, but with a 'K'.  I instantly liked her, despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.  She was casual and easy going.  Almost plain, but there was enough of a sparkle in her eyes and smile to bring interest to her features.  There was a calm, strength in her manners, but with a gentleness that put you at ease.  I like her laugh.  It was almost a chuckle, but was heartfelt.  Laughs are important.  People who can't laugh easily make me nervous.  She laughed easily and it made me like her right away.
After the study, which was very good by the way (it will make going in the future so much easier-you can read between the lines there.), we shared prayer requests and I shared about some of the struggles we'd been having.  When it was over, Kathy turned to me and started sharing that her and her husband were both adopted.  As we chatted, she explained to me that they had been having a lot of problems in their marriage.
She described how he had been taken away from his mother when he was 9 months old because she was a heavy drug user.  He then bounced around in the foster system until he was 9 years old, when he was finally adopted.  Unfortunately, his adoptive family has since severed all contact with him. Which at first was very difficult for her to understand and made her quite angry. Since then, however, she has experienced many things that has led her to be much for sympathetic toward their strong stance.
They have only been married 3 years and over the past year he spent 3/4 of it in homeless shelters. It was clear that there were many others things she didn't dare to share with a virtual stranger. In other words, he has made life very difficult for her.  So much so, in fact, that she would have left him long ago if it weren't for the support she has received from the church body.
She confessed that none of his issues were apparent when they were dating.  It all came out after the wedding.  That he was charming and engaging to strangers, but quite the opposite at home. Unable to commit to a job, he was constantly unemployed. Do any of you recognize the patterns here?  Sadly, I have to admit that I do.  Her poor husband is likely struggling with attachment issues.
We bonded instantly as she found a comrade in someone that faces the same issues she does with her loved ones.  Her husband and some of my children have brains wired for self-preservation instead of intimacy.  Its the sad result of not having their needs lovingly met as babies.  Through no fault of their own, they didn't get nurtured, rocked, soothed, changed, fed when hungry or at least not in when they needed it most.  Their world was unpredictable and frightening.  Their little brains jumped tracks and went immediately into survival mode.  Adults were not to be trusted or relied upon,  Mommy isn't taking care of me therefore, I have to get what I need myself.
The unfortunate result of jumping the tracks in our brain and having them rewire themselves, is that they don't come back very easily.  Although people with attachment issues still innately desire to be close to others, especially a mother figure, they are still scared out of their wits.  They are afraid of being hurt, afraid to let you take care of them, afraid you might leave them.  If they give up control over their lives, they are letting go of their self-preservation tactics and they might DIE~!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone that struggles with attachment.  It would take a very special person to love so unconditionally.  Never able to really expect to get much in return.  My new friend seemed to me to be just the person for the job.  I admire her and I hope her husband can someday realize what a gift he has been given.  He will heal and grow and change.  He will find it within himself to surrender, allowing himself to be loved.  Because love is powerful.
Some time ago, God gave me a beautiful picture of what it would be like in heaven.  He showed me all my children around a table.  I looked at each of them and instantly knew that they no longer carried their scars.  There was a peace about them that I have never seen before.  They were healed....whole.  I hope she can see that for her husband too.
Your friend,
Cathy

Awake again. It seems I haven't had a full nights sleep in weeks. The depth of my loneliness has come to consume me, a familiar reality. The old struggles roll together with the new, piling hurt and frustration and worry, one upon the other in a suffocating blizzard of emotion. I can't catch my breath. I can't sleep. tears flow in aggravating endlessness. I long to reach out to someone, to pour out my heart to anyone that would listen. But the heartbreaking truth is that there is no one. I know all too well that there is no one.

Time and energy spent tending the hearts of my children has replaced the efforts of tending friendships, and there lies the void. No one that knows me, no one to listen. Even if I did feel that I had payed ahead in a relationship enough to call upon the account in my time of need, the likely response to my hearts cry would surely be that we had ' brought this upon ourselves'. Words I can't bear to hear as I gasp for breath.

So here I sit, licking my own wounds and feeling trapped. I need a break so badly but can't go anywhere because we never know when Miss A will have an "episode". I'm worn out and tired of feeling afraid of her. Every time I hear her voice raise even a little, my hands instantly start to shake involuntarily. My heart begins to race and in an instant I am on alert, ready for what may come. Will I ever get over it?

The last "episode" was especially traumatic for me. I was alone with her and in the hour and a half struggle to keep her from doing more damage to the house, or running out into the road, my knee was injured. In her psychotic state, she doesn't recognize that I'm hurt and continues to fight me for another hour or two. We have been through so many similar scenes over the past year. Times when she has tried to hurt us or herself. I don't know why this one was particularly difficult for me to recover from. Maybe because of my knee, or the fact that I was alone, but more likely because I had been hoping that we were on the road to healing.

Hope is powerful. It carries you along in the darkest hours, giving strength and direction when none can be found. Now the dark reality that she probably will not get better consumes me in its hungry path. I don't really know how we survived the last year? The scars are still fresh in each of us. Mental illness is ugly and incredibly frightening. How long will we have to go on?

She is 16 now, will it be until she's 18? How will she ever live on her own? The added complication of being developmentally delayed, makes it impossible. She can't even read a label, let alone understand what it says. Any option for living somewhere else is far beyond out means financially. We have 10 other children to care for.

Here is where I hear the judging voices saying, "with that many children, you were bound to have this happen" or "you made your bed..." All of which is true. Except we believed that we were obeying God and we still do. Knowing that you have followed where God has led certainly helps, but doesn't preclude the need for a sympathetic ear in the hard times.

As I sort through the jumble of issues that have poured down on me over the previous months, I can't help wishing that the world would just stop long enough for me to process each thing. How I long for a vacation, even a weekend away...but I know that it would never be enough. In the end, everything would still be here, waiting. Besides, we can't leave Miss A.

I have spent hours on end sorting through the various governmental agencies trying to determine the services that are available to her now and after she turns 18. They consider us an "at risk" family (a title I never imagined we would have) and want to help us out any way they can. Yet, all good intention fall by the wayside when budgets are cut to save a drowning bureaucracy. There is nothing for us. Not even respite care.

Now, there are some families that would take her for respite. But really, I have a hard time trusting anyone's credibility that says they would willingly take our mentally ill, developmentally disabled, behaviorally challenged, RAD, ODD, etc, etc....daughter!! I say that tongue-in-cheek, but the truth is, she's still my daughter and I care about her well-being and a person would have to be insane to choose this!

I should probably go to bed now. Its 4 am and I'm back on duty in a couple of hours. Thanks for listening. As I say good night (or good morning, rather) I want to say one last thing. As difficult as this all is, I love my daughter. I don't like her illness, what we have gone through is yucky, but I do love her and will continue to stand by her (forever!), I'm thankful for her and will choose to believe that God has a plan in all of this.

The Storm Starts Brewing

June 2nd-

Rainy and cold outside, roaring fire in the woodstove and a hot cup of coffee. Its as if the weather is determined to not let us move on from the dark days of winter. Not wanting us to forget what we have gone through.

As the school year rolls to an end, I find it hard to believe that it was 9 short months ago that our world was turned upside down. It feels like a lifetime has passed since those dark days of September. September 27th, to be exact. The date will forever be branded in my memory. A fairly normal Sunday; church service followed by baked potatoes and lounging around. The only distinction on this day was the fact that we had our niece with us.

"H" had been with us for about 6 weeks. David and I had picked her up on our way home from a blissful pre-anniversary weekend away. Her family desperately needed time apart from her as they figured out a plan for her long-term care. In respect for her privacy I will only say that her behavior at home had caused them to know without a doubt that she could no longer live at home. David and I agreed to take her home with us for a while as they sorted out their options.

In retrospect, it was the wrong decision. But it seemed at the time like we were the only alternative. Their only other available option would have been to involve the authorities. *I have to stop here and just say that it is HEARTBREAKING when families are forced to involve the authorities for lack of other resources!*

The first few weeks went fairly well. H wasn't too offensive towards us, intense and 'in your face', but not violent or disrespectful. She seemed to bond well with our "A". They had similar backgrounds and seemed to find a commonality there. We were watchful, but tried not to hover over them as they spent hours on end talking in A's bedroom. It was sweet that A had finally found a friend. In the 6 years that she had been with us, we had not seen her become close to anyone but her sisters.

A had struggled over the years to trust us, never really forming a strong bond. Some would even say that she showed signs of Attachment Disorder, but we had seen growth and held out hope for a better relationship with her. There had been desperate times, for sure. Tearful times where we wondered if things would ever turn around. We were frustrated that she required a different form of parenting. That she didn't have to be respectful to us, while the other children did. There was no discipline that worked with her. How could I force a child nearly my own size to go in her room if she didn't want to-or do ANYTHING for that matter? As her actions were mostly directed at me, David tried to support me as much as he could. For him, she was an angel. Always willingly offering hugs or a helping hand. It was infuriating for me!! How could he help but wonder if some of my hysterics were not just a lack of patience or understanding on my part? It certainly looked to him like she was a fairly pleasant child. I warned him that she was just manipulating him and trying to gain control over us by dividing us against each other. He understood, and we were careful to never disagree in front of her. Still, she was good at it and we were challenged to dig deep in our relationship, trusting enough to back the other up. We had been through issues before with some of our other children, but never to this degree.

She had made progress, though. We had seen hints of trust, signs that she was letting go of her need to control, allowing herself acknowledge that she had value. Whispers that she was letting our love find a home in her heart. But did I love her? Sometimes. I wanted to. She had some very amazing qualities. A tender and compassionate heart buried beneath a load of pain. I loved that. I loved the flicker of sweetness that bubbled to the surface now and again. It was just so hard to hang onto when every time we had a tender moment it was quickly doused by the ugly, defiant child on the outside.

I tried not to ask myself the fearful questions that crippled me but they were relentless, "Where will we be in 5 or 10 years?", " Has anything really changed?", " What is she teaching the younger boys by her behavior?", "Will this be the child that will never be able to leave home?" These questions are a prison cell for the mothers heart. Confining my heart and binding my ability to love, eating away at the claim I had laid on my child!

Complicating factors even more was the fact that A could not learn. She was charming and engaging in social settings but could not retain information. At 15 years old, she still could not read past a second grade level, tell time, or really grasp the what numbers represented. Her memory had been stifled by Post Traumatic Stress, which made processing the events very challenging!

All of this played a part in her lack of meaningful friendships. So when we took her cousin for respite care, we were happy that she had finally begun to form a friendship.

Little did we know how damaging that friendship would become.

Hope you stay tuned...