A Teens Journey Through Addiction

This kid!...

our 9th child,

18 years old,

didn't graduate from high school,

can't drive until he's 21 years old due to drug charges,

lives in a half-way house and washes dishes in a restaurant,

and we simply could not be more proud of him and his accomplishments!!!  

Why?

Because in one week, we will celebrate a major milestone in his journey...ONE YEAR OF SOBRIETY....Yeah!!!!

At this time last year, we were picking him up from jail and driving him across the mountains to a  drug treatment facility.  He was so angry that we had to have his older brother ride along for extra protection in case he bolted or got violent.  I was literally shaking during the entire three hour drive!  Our relationship with him was almost completely broken.  We were all hurt and angry.

After 35 days in that treatment center, we drove 5 hours to the next one and he stayed there for 3 more months.

When his time there was up, we had no choice but to bring him home until we could find an available bed at an Oxford House (a clean and sober half-way house).  And he's been there ever since.

Its not that we didn't want him to stay home,  in fact, I grieved heavily at losing him again.  You see, he is such a bright, funny, loving, magnetic person.  He lights up every room he enters with a huge smile.  Drugs had stolen that person from me since the time he was 11 and then when he had finally gotten clean, and we could see glimmers of the boy we once knew coming back out, he wasn't able to stay.  And I felt robbed again.

But his drug buddies lived around us, and he couldn't risk falling into that lifestyle again.  Not only that, but he had gotten pretty heavy into dealing drugs and their were several people who wanted him dead...literally!

And now, here we are!  One year clean and sober...no alcohol, pot, Molly, mushrooms, cocaine, etc.  None of it...!

Here is our story...
I don't want this to come across like we did it right or have all the answers, far from it!  But rather,  in the hope that it will help someone who is in a similar situation and needs some encouragement, its a lonely road!

It took 3 years of fighting law enforcement to get him arrested enough times or for a serious enough offense that the court would order drug treatment.  That's right~ I was the crazy mom who called the police, called parole officers, called the court, called juvenile detention...hours upon hours of phone calls, snapping pictures of every shred of evidence I could find and waving it in peoples faces until someone finally heard me cry..."Help him!!!" ..."Please, someone help him before he's 18 and its too late!"

Why did I need the court to send him to treatment?  Because in our state, you can't force someone to go to counseling after the age of 13, let alone treatment.  Its ridiculous! He was a danger to society and himself, but unless he admitted there was a problem and chose to seek help on his own, there was nothing we could do.  So we hounded the system.  Praise God it worked for us, but there are WAY too many people who don't get to enjoy such happy outcomes.

The system is broken.  Especially when it comes to drug abuse and mental illness. ( I will tell you about our run-ins with the mental health circus sometime...that was a crazy ride!..no pun intended :P) But along the way, you learn valuable little tidbits that help you out...
For instance--in our state, every time you call 911 on your child his name gets on a list that goes to a Juvenile Court Judge, if he sees your childs name come up enough times, he can order him to appear in court to find out whats going on.
So, like a Mom on a mission to save her child, I called him in for everything you were allowed to call in for; leaving the house without permission, threatening people, damaging property, illegal possession of drugs or drug related items, skipping school...you name it, I called.

Some cops understood my mission and even applauded it.  Others complained that I was wasting their time.  It seemed to just be the luck of the draw.

At one point, we got him signed up for the Youth At Risk program.  Its a program through Juvenile Court where they bring in a mediator to try to assess how bad things are and help the family get things back on track.  If the kid won't cooperate, then they turn them over to a Judge, who then takes over the parenting role and consequences for breaking family rules becomes time in detention.

Its a good program for kids like ours, who really couldn't give a darn about house rules or school at all.  The Court Appointed Mediator was great and actually gave David and I the green light to lay down some heavy consequences that hesitated to do before.  It didn't take long for our little runaway to decide he didn't like the pressure and he decided Jobcorp was a better option for him.  But that only lasted about 5 months before he was kicked out for drug use...no big surprise!

Our big break came in December of 2014, when we received a notice from the court that he would have to appear before a judge for a drug charge from 10 months prior!!! Way back in February he had been caught on school property (big no-no) with a baggie of pot.  It had taken 10 months for them to formally charge him.  So in January, we went to court, he was found guilty and sentenced to 3 days in Juvie-big whoop.  But, the best thing that came out of it was that he had to serve 9 month probation, and his probation officer was GREAT!  She saw what was going on and was watching him, and all his cronies.  If she even caught a whiff of something fishy, she was ON IT.  Plus, she really made me feel like we were a team.  She understood my desperation to get him help and encouraged me to let her know if I saw him doing anything questionable.  Three months into it and he was locked up for a month with an order to go straight from detention into rehab.  She had compiled a laundry list of parole violations ranging from being 10 minutes late to out-patient drug counseling to a failed UA (urine analysis drug test).  Nothing horribly serious, but enough that the Judge could see that although our son was good at covering his tracks, he really did need some help.

Little did they know how right they were.  We found out later, that during that same period of time drug dealers had almost shot him!  They had jumped him right in our neighborhood, drove him to a remote location, beat him up and had a gun to his head!  He was saved by a curious stranger passing by with a spotlight.  True story!

That was the final trip to detention and the beginning of sobriety.  Today, he is loving his new life!

And this week we get the joy (yes, it is a joy again! Thank you, Jesus :) ) of spending a few days at the beach with him.  We will have a celebration honoring his amazing accomplishments and present him with this token...

We know that sobriety is very fragile.  It will be a life-long journey that he has to take one day at a time.  There may be set backs, but we praise God for His mercy and faithfulness to us and pray that you will not lose heart in yours.

I love the mandate that God gave in Joshua 1:7, "Only be strong and very courageous, ...do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go."


In His love,
Cath

Read about his celebration...

Making Progress-our first day in family therapy

Monday was our first day of family therapy for the MTFC program that Miss A is in.

Despite my struggle to deal with the anger that had been brewing in me for so long, I found myself saying a lot of really nice things about my daughter!

It kind of took me by surprise-in a good way :)

It reminded me that even though we have gone through some incredibly difficult things with her, she is still my daughter and I do really, really love her.

And maybe most importantly, I have not lost hope for her or our relationship.

The folks in the program continue to impress David and I with their compassion and understanding. 

Within the adoption realm there are a lot of families who are frustrated with therapists that don't 'get it'.  They fail to understand the complex issues surrounding children with trauma and attachment issues.  Therapists are hypnotized by a child's outward charms into the belief that all problems stem from a lack of proper parenting. The message that parents receive is that the issues they are dealing with originate from not doing enough to 'honor the child's culture' or 'understanding their pain'.  Unfortunately, the child hears this too and is armed with even more ammunition against his family.

We felt like we were going to face a firing squad when we left that morning.  But nothing could be farther from the truth!  Although the therapist was clearly empathic towards Miss A and all that she has gone through that has led to this place, she did not blame us or point a finger of correction at us in any way.

She seemed to recognize that we are doing our best and that we want nothing more than to see her find a sense of hope again.

We are suppose to implement at home a points/reward system that they use.  That way, when she comes home for visits and when she gets home, there wont be any confusing gaps or changes.  The program that they use will just flow over into our lives, too.

I have to admit that I'm a little skeptical.

Order, repetition and consistency are not my forte.

Also, what we do with one child, we will have to do with everyone, which makes the idea even more overwhelming.

But, I'm game.

Who knows, maybe it will be just the ticket for everyone-?

A Much Deeper Forgiveness

At the risk of stating the obvious, Gods timing is so perfect its almost comical!

Miss A has been in the program for a week now.  Each day she has been away I discover new feeling sprouting from my heart like buds on the Maple trees outside my window, but much less pleasant to witness!  Out of the core of me is coming such a rush of anger and bitterness, its taking me by surprise.  I had no idea how much animosity had been stored up over the years toward my own dear daughter.  It hurts to admit it.

Witnessing our other children bask in the peace and quiet that comes in her absence, makes me realize how much of a hold she had on everyone.  She controlled every aspect of our lives.  Each day, I woke with the dread of waking her not knowing if she would be in a decent mood or a bad one.  If it was bad, our whole day would be a nightmare!  The other kids would walk on egg shells all day for fear of arousing her wrath and go to bed at night afraid of what she might do to them in their sleep.  All of this became the marshland that I navigated each day.  No time to stop and consider or raise my eyes from the path, lest I stray into danger.  "Keep to the path, don't lose focus" was the chant inside my head that my feet beat the path to.
Now in relative peace, comes the reality of where we have been and the rush of emotions we held tight in our chest until in safety we dare to look at them.

Thank you Lord for the reminder that now is the time to forgive!


Over the years, my thoughts and energies were fixed on the work at hand.  I was careful to establish my heart in the fact that she was hurt and it was my job to minister to her needs.  Pouring every ounce I could muster into loving her the best way possible, day in and day out.

When the Psychologist suggested that much of what she does is for attention, that she really does understand what is going on and that she is quite possibly not psychotic as we had been led to believe, something broke, and I think it was my heart.
There's no doubt in my mind that the motivation for her behavior is pain and trauma.  That she doesn't 'mean' to do it, but to hear that she continues to hurt, lie and abuse for personal gain...well, frankly, that is so distressing it makes me angry!

BUT, being the season of the greatest example of forgiveness given by our Lord Jesus Christ, there is hope yet for me :)

I long for a restored relationship with Miss A.  I hunger for a deeper relationship with Christ.  Therefore, I WILL forgive her!  Its not my favorite thing to do.  Hurt and anger are familiar friends whose company comforts me.  Difficult to admit, but true.  They whisper to me that forgiving leaves me powerless, that only in holding onto hurt can we really make the other person SUFFER!              LIES!!!!!


To hold onto hurt only rots my own heart and gives power to the enemy!

My prayer is now-

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
try me and know my anxious (evil) thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
and lead me in the everlasting way.


So, Gods timing is perfect in that He should expose the depth of my unforgiveness in this season.  The same time of year 7 years ago, that He asked me to "walk to the cross" for a hurting little girl and her brother, in the same way He walked to the cross for me (knowing FULLY what I am, a sinful wretch).  To lay down my life for her as He laid down His for me.  Yep, 7 years ago those were the words that came in confirmation to adopt Miss A and Mr B!  And today He asks me to go much deeper in forgiveness!