Avoiding Emotional Hooks!

Its so easy to get drawn into other people's drama, let alone out kids'...

Here are a few easy tips to avoid getting hooked!

Click here to read more...

I'd love to here your thoughts in the comments!

All my love,

Cathy

Internet Battles Over...

With school just around the corner, 

this little white box could mean a little more

sanity for everyone!

In our home, we have struggled with kids choosing to be on the internet over homework, chores,  simply listening to my voice, staying up at night to go on the internet, downloading inappropriate movies and music, going to questionable chat rooms...you name it, we have had to address it with one kid or another.  Believe me, if it wasn't needed for school and work, I would have happily pulled the plug on the internet years ago just to avoid the headaches!!!

The only downfall to this gadget is that it came so late in the game for us!

This little cutie is called the Circle With Disney.  It is $89.00 and you can get it at Amazon, Target, Best Buy or the Disney Store.

But first, let me explain what it does...

You plug this baby into your internet router and now everything that comes through your internet, passes through the Circle before streaming out to gadgets in your home.

Next, you download a Circle app onto your phone or computer, that ONLY YOU have the password to.
Circle will identify all the devices that are accessing your wifi and list them for you.
You then make a profile for everyone in your house and assign the devices that belong to each person to their profile.
Circle offers several levels of filter that you can choose from for each profile.  For example, if you have a young child in your home, the filter on their profile could be set to 'Child'.  Circle would then automatically filter any unfavorable websites or content and that child couldn't access it.  Each person in your home can have a filter level that is appropriate for their age.

Let me just highlight a few of my favorite things you can do with Circle---

*Pause internet for an individual or the whole house and un-pause with one click
*Set bedtimes and wake times for each individual
*Set total time limits for each individual
*Check browsing history (cannot be erased by them!)
*Circle alerts you when a new device accesses your wifi
*Alerts you when the Circle has been tampered with

Being a new product, they are constantly working out the glitches and improving it.  But so far, I have found the technical support team to be very helpful and open to improvement ideas.

We did find internet speed to be a little slower, but our internet is choppy on a good day.  We also discovered that we had over 21 devices accessing our internet...that may have contributed!!! 😳

Did I mention that it was only $89.00???  So seriously worth it!  Like I said before, I only wish we had it when the kids were little.

"Not doing your chores like I asked?..."  Click.  "No more internet for you!"  Done.
Need I say more...?

If you want to learn more about it follow this link...Meet Circle

Its What We Do...

If we are honest, most days we are just trying to hold things together.

 Everywhere we look, something is threatening to come apart at the seams.  

Whether it’s family, house, yard, health, or work: it all seems to be held together by a very thin thread.  

God has gifted women with an extraordinary ability to not only juggle multiple items with incredible skill, but to keep them from falling apart.  We wield a God given Super Glue that we innately know how and where to apply. 

We are doers and fixers…and we are good at it!

We see every broken place, crack, splinter and weak spot and we are ON IT!  Fixing, applying, adding, piecing or simply fretting about how to fix it. 

  I don’t know about you…but I get so exhausted!!!

Sometimes, a lot of times, the problems are too complex for us to handle.  There are no books, seminars, conferences, techniques, counselors or even medications that we can turn to for help. 

The issues that we deal with are huge.  God has asked each and every one of us to hold the broken close to our hearts.  In doing so, their pain becomes very personal.   We rub up against it, touch it, feel it and help that person carry it.  Pain and brokenness are messy…so very messy!  When we get close, it soils us.

  But God asked us to embrace the broken because that is exactly what He did for and to us. 

  Is it easy, NO!  Is it fun, not in the slightest!  Does He ask us to like it, not at all!  

He never asked us to enjoy our walk in this world.  

He just asked us to be His light and love to the person we are walking with, knowing that the world has done a number on them too!

But when we can’t fix it:  when there isn’t anywhere to turn and we run out of answers, then we get discouraged.

Hopelessness, depression and despair start to swirl around like smoke and we choke on it.  Although we can work like crazy to fix things on a good day, the minute we can’t find a solution, we bow our heads and give up.  At least, I do!  And at that moment, we are made useless.  Our light goes out and we are disarmed.

Satan uses some pretty heavy weaponry on us because we are fighting ‘front line’ stuff.  We are walking beside Gods people, and this broken world has placed them within Satans grasp.  God has asked you to help get them back!  Do you think Satan is going to stand back and watch that happen?!!!  I DON’T THINK SO!

He will hit you with the big guns…problems that are too big for you to handle and when you can’t fix them, he’ll hit you with doubt, despair, discouragement and depression! You’ll get mad at yourself, your family, your church and community.  Everyone will have failed you, in your mind! 

But look at what he says in Acts 17:26-27---

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him.  Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for ‘In him we live and move and have our being’”

Do you hear what Paul is saying here?  Remember who God is!  He has allotted when you were to be born, where you were to be born and what the boundary of you life would be, whether physically or spiritually. 

  No matter where you are, you can at least FEEL your way toward Him and FIND Him!  

He is not so far from you…because ‘IN HIM WE LIVE AND MOVE AND HAVE OUR BEING’…

Fixing things in our life requires action, using our hands.  It’s what we do, we are good at it.  But when the dark smoke starts to swirl around you, you’re choking and you can’t see; 

reach out and ‘feel your way toward him and find him’.  

He didn’t leave you in some unknown place. 

  He put you there, and ‘is actually not far from’ you!  

Seattle skyline shrouded in smoke from wildfires

In His love,

Cath

Beautifully Broken

I recently began reading the book WRECKED by Jeff Goins, in it, he talks about how it isn't until you are truly broken or 'wrecked' by something, that you really start living.
David and I had just been talking about that same concept a few weeks ago. There is so much going on in our lives, enough to destroy us if we let it. And yet, we feel more alive than ever. Is that wrong? Is is a sick love of the dramatic or painful? Why is it then, that when one son is facing bone marrow transplant, another one is going through drug addiction, another is trying to graduate from high school, we are struggling to get our daughter with mental issues to live independently, we suddenly feel like we can taste and feel life in its most amazing sense?
Please dont get me wrong, these things are hard-EXTREMELY HARD. My heart aches with brokenness. There is NOTHING more difficult that watching your child struggle physically and/or emotionally. I have had more sleepless nights and shed more tears in the last year than probably my whole life combined.
Yet, even when I feel my heart stop in fear of the future, there is breath moving through me. I am breathing...or God is breathing into me. Sometimes, its all I have. The world seems to turn, while I stand still. Suspended. Separated. Alone with my pain. All I can hear is my breath. I listen, really listen, amazed at the wonder of it. Comforted by the rhythm of it. So very thankful for it. And know that it is not my own. That even the very thing that gives me life, is not my own.
This life, with all its storms and crashing waves can thrash and tear at me, but I will rise above it all, carried on the breath of the One who holds it all in His hands.

Change is in the air!

   David left yesterday for a business trip and won't be back until late Thursday night.  Although I will miss him terribly, the thought of him going isn't nearly as overwhelming these days.

In the past, we could pretty much count on the fact that there would be some sort of "event" when he was away.

For the safety of everyone, we had decided to never have Miss A home when David was out of town. You can read more about it HERE  The difficulty was finding somewhere for her to go, since he travels fairly frequently.

What a difference it made knowing that she was somewhere safe and we could look forward to a somewhat 'normal' week.

I slept like a baby.  In the past, I have laid awake most of the night on alert for what might happen.  My hands would be shaky every moment of every day that he was away.  But when he'd call to check on us, I would try my hardest to pretend that I was relaxed and happy.  I couldn't bear to let him know how I suffered!  His job is challenging enough without having the added stress of wondering if your family was safe.

At 2:00 I cheerfully dropped him off at the ferry and drove home without a care.  In fact, I had a lovely phone conversation with Miss A on the way home!

She sounds great!  Missing us of course, but not distraught.  Miss S talked to her too and noticed how much more 'grown up' she sounded.  I agree.  She seems to be processing things in a much more mature way.  I'm very proud of her and miss her so much, despite the past.  We talked about how this whole thing is going to be very good for all of us-I really believe that!

I even took time to sew a new purse!

Before he left...

We broke the news to the kids that we would be implementing the new points/rewards system for behavior that the MTFC program (that Miss A is in) requires.  The program director would like us to have the same system they use in her foster family in place when she comes home for visitation.  Although the kids hate the thought, David and I are pretty excited about it.  

David answering questions about the "new program"

Points/ reward systems are not usually very effective for kids with attachment issues, which most kids who are adopted have to some degree.  It becomes one more thing that they use to control and manipulate you, therefore, I don't usually advocate using them.  But as this is required for the program, and as it has been designed for VERY challenging children, I am looking forward to giving it a try.

Here is a very basic outline of what is required at the first of three "levels".  I will introduce you to the other two levels as soon as the program director gives us that information.

Points                     things required to earn points                                                                                             

5                            up on time

15                          ready for the day-brush teeth, 

                              clean clothes, eat breakfast

15                          morning clean up-make bed, 

                              clothes away, room neat,

                               personal items put away

10                          pass inspection- 

                              backpack, pockets, room check

15                          homework done, 

                              read and study time

10                          chore

15                         ** school card

                             (teacher signature and performance)

15                          attitude/maturity-

                                respectful problem solving,

                                accepting 'no', follow directions -A.M.

15                          attitude/maturity--P.M.

10                          shower/bedtime

5                            medication-taken nicely

0-5 bonus               caught doing something good

** School card signed by each teacher stating if they had all homework done, behavior was good, tardy or not, etc.  We will only do this for classes they have below a C

***  They must earn at least 100 points each day in order to "spend" points for privileges the next day

Privilege                  Description          Point cost   

Basics                   Radio/tv in room,       40

                             9pm bedtime   

     

Later bedtime        Later bedtime

                              on non-school days    15

phone calls             to approved

                              list of friends         15 for 20 min

other                      computer time, 

                                stereo,                     20 for 30 min

                               nintendo, 

                              etc with approval   

                                                  

tv                           after chores 

                              and homework             20

points bank            save extra points

                             for special privileges  

                              cost negotiated

                               

 additional ideas

(what motivates you?)

What Happens When Women Pray

Have you ever opened your eyes and wondered how you ever got to this place in your life?  

Its not where you meant to be or ever dreamed of being, but here you are, none-the-less.

Its like the curtains suddenly parted in my world and I'm standing on an unfamiliar stage, wondering how I got here.  I don't like the looks of things from here.  My spiritual life is not where it should be, it doesn't seem like the kids are seeking the Lord, all of our attitudes could use severe tweaking...you get the picture.  Looking behind me, I can see the slow decline that led to this place.  As if we were sinking in quick sand, never realizing what was happening.  

Its unfair to blame it all on Miss A, but all of life has centered on one thing, getting her well, and now its time to shake everyone out of their coma's and into reality!

I'm excited, I love a good project!!  

Not only will we have to implement the new behavior chart from Miss A's program into our parenting strategy for everyone, but we need to gird up our spiritual scaffolding as well.

Yesterday I was browsing our bookshelves for something to read that might inspire me.  I have a knack for collecting books, but don't have a lot of time to read.  There will be no time to rest in 'retirement' because I have such a long list of project to do and books to read!  

Anyway, when my grandparents moved out of their house about 8 years ago, I took home a few books that looked interesting.  They have turned out to be some of the best books I've ever read!  The one I chose yesterday is called, "What Happens When Women Pray"  by Evelyn Christenson. 

 

Its a short book written in the late '60's, an easy read, but very inspiring!

I'm already almost finished.

The author talks about how they taught thousands of women all around the nation to pray more effectively.  Through their effective prayers, they saw lives changed, families healed and churches prosper.  

David and I have seen how the effectual prayers of a few, especially his ever- faithful Mom, have made such a difference in our lives.  

It seems to me, that women all over the globe are struggling and striving to keep their heads above water in this extremely complicated world.  We are trying to swim while keeping our husbands, children, house, work, homeschool.. or whatever it may be, afloat.

We are pulled in every direction and the more we struggle to keep things together, the more they seem to sink.  

Maybe, we have it all backwards?

This book has really got me thinking that I need to simply get back to the basics of prayer.  Slowing down, bringing things to God FIRST, settling my heart, allowing Him to change my perspective before plowing forward- and so on.

But honestly,

I need help.

I was wondering if anyone would be interested in joining me in an accountability group for women on prayer?

My thought is to follow the simple guidelines/ suggestions laid out in the book to establish an online prayer support group.  

Let me know what you think...I will post the simple guidelines she lays out in the book later.

Pray about it!

A Much Deeper Forgiveness

At the risk of stating the obvious, Gods timing is so perfect its almost comical!

Miss A has been in the program for a week now.  Each day she has been away I discover new feeling sprouting from my heart like buds on the Maple trees outside my window, but much less pleasant to witness!  Out of the core of me is coming such a rush of anger and bitterness, its taking me by surprise.  I had no idea how much animosity had been stored up over the years toward my own dear daughter.  It hurts to admit it.

Witnessing our other children bask in the peace and quiet that comes in her absence, makes me realize how much of a hold she had on everyone.  She controlled every aspect of our lives.  Each day, I woke with the dread of waking her not knowing if she would be in a decent mood or a bad one.  If it was bad, our whole day would be a nightmare!  The other kids would walk on egg shells all day for fear of arousing her wrath and go to bed at night afraid of what she might do to them in their sleep.  All of this became the marshland that I navigated each day.  No time to stop and consider or raise my eyes from the path, lest I stray into danger.  "Keep to the path, don't lose focus" was the chant inside my head that my feet beat the path to.
Now in relative peace, comes the reality of where we have been and the rush of emotions we held tight in our chest until in safety we dare to look at them.

Thank you Lord for the reminder that now is the time to forgive!


Over the years, my thoughts and energies were fixed on the work at hand.  I was careful to establish my heart in the fact that she was hurt and it was my job to minister to her needs.  Pouring every ounce I could muster into loving her the best way possible, day in and day out.

When the Psychologist suggested that much of what she does is for attention, that she really does understand what is going on and that she is quite possibly not psychotic as we had been led to believe, something broke, and I think it was my heart.
There's no doubt in my mind that the motivation for her behavior is pain and trauma.  That she doesn't 'mean' to do it, but to hear that she continues to hurt, lie and abuse for personal gain...well, frankly, that is so distressing it makes me angry!

BUT, being the season of the greatest example of forgiveness given by our Lord Jesus Christ, there is hope yet for me :)

I long for a restored relationship with Miss A.  I hunger for a deeper relationship with Christ.  Therefore, I WILL forgive her!  Its not my favorite thing to do.  Hurt and anger are familiar friends whose company comforts me.  Difficult to admit, but true.  They whisper to me that forgiving leaves me powerless, that only in holding onto hurt can we really make the other person SUFFER!              LIES!!!!!


To hold onto hurt only rots my own heart and gives power to the enemy!

My prayer is now-

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
try me and know my anxious (evil) thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
and lead me in the everlasting way.


So, Gods timing is perfect in that He should expose the depth of my unforgiveness in this season.  The same time of year 7 years ago, that He asked me to "walk to the cross" for a hurting little girl and her brother, in the same way He walked to the cross for me (knowing FULLY what I am, a sinful wretch).  To lay down my life for her as He laid down His for me.  Yep, 7 years ago those were the words that came in confirmation to adopt Miss A and Mr B!  And today He asks me to go much deeper in forgiveness!

Time to relax and refuel, the key to keeping a marriage healthy

Early Saturday morning, David and I decided that we would sneak away for the weekend.  The timing could not have been better.  Both of us were wound pretty tight after the past few weeks of dealing with Miss A, I think the kids were as happy to have us leave as we were :)
There's a decent hotel in Silverdale where we can get a huge room with a kitchenette and little living room for a great price.  We get there quick and spend the time we would normally be travelling, sitting in the hot tub!  It may not be the most exotic get away, but we have lots of "down time" which is critical for us.

Ahhh...so nice to relax and enjoy each others company

A quiet dinner, movie, laughter and sleeping late is just what the doctor ordered.

The weather smiled just long enough for us to have a wonderful walk along the Clear Creek trail.  Birds were everywhere.  A pair of Killdeer cautiously allowed us to watch their 4 little babies peck around in the mud before calling them to safety under moms wings.  

Daddy Killdeer standing guard

We determined to make bird watching walks a regular date time.  Amid all the chaos of life, David is always so willing to invest in our marriage any way he can.  I am so thankful for the enduring friendship we share.

A little Junco in our tree

Two woodpeckers, a Pileated and a Flicker at our feeder

My Wonderful Hubby :)

This sweet man has been my best friend and love of my life for nearly 25 years now.  He is an amazing husband and father.  There is no one else that I would rather walk this road with.  May God richly bless him for his kindness and loving sacrifice for his family.  I love you babe!!

Wednesday, April 13

Today is the day!  Long, restless night without much sleep.  Miss A was restless too.  I suppose it feels a bit like knowing you will have to walk the plank in the morning.  We tried to give her lots of snuggles and encouragement, but no matter what we say, this will be one of the hardest days of her life.
Confirmation came for David and I throughout the day yesterday.  Parents who had gone through it with their own children called to remind us that there are times we have to make the hard decisions for the good of the group.  Even my 18 year old niece, who is also from Ethiopia, called to give her thoughts and suggestions.  Normally, that would seem a little strange, except that she has walked a very similar path as our Miss A.  She too, struggled to control her anger.  In her case, she ended up spending 6 months in Juvenile Detention for assault.  A very real potential for Miss A, as the last blow up involved assaulting me and her brother.  My niece had some great ideas about how we could stay connected to Miss A while she is away to lessen her feelings that we 'abandoned' her.  Things like not forgetting to still make a big deal about her birthday, daily letters to let her know she's not forgotten, and involving her in family events, are all things that meant a lot to my niece.  We had already planned on doing all of that, but it was good to be reminded to not let it slack.  She really felt like the most important thing she learned while away was how to use positive activities to release anger, instead of bad ones.  Practicing those activities daily to make them part of a daily routine makes them something that she would be more likely to choose when feeling stressed, was her advice.  I thought that was brilliant and definitely something we would want to work into her behavior plan that they implement in her therapeutic home.
Miss A is incredibly unmotivated!  She despises doing anything that takes physical exertion or effort.  Therefore, what inevitably happens is that she will sit for hours in a chair near the fire and gradually feel worse and worse about herself and everyone else until she finally blows.  Its a pattern we have seen played out time and time again.  Any suggestions on our part to get up and do something to derail the train and change the trajectory of the anger, is met by a brick wall of refusal.
As I understand it, this program will be designed around teaching her that she needs to earn the right to do what she wants.  In that way, she will need to do a certain number of 'positive' activities in order to earn the right to sit in a chair by the fire.  My niece said that it was being forced to do good things each day that got her to really enjoy doing them, but it was a battle at the time!
I know without a doubt that we are not the people that can most effectively teach Miss A those skills.  We have tried and tried but it has become a game for her to refuse.  She has designed the framework in such a way that she 'has to' push back or accept defeat, which is way too scary!!!!  It is our prayer that a change of environment will allow her to change her framework without us hovering over her and watching. Plus, she will have the natural motivation of coming home to spur her on.
Oh, my friends, this will be a day to remember.  My heart is aching and I covet your prayers!

Tuesday, April 12

We got a call from the director of MTFC at Kitsap Mental Health.  Miss A has been accepted into the Therapeutic Behavioral Management program and will be going to her therapeutic home on Wednesday.  I'm as jumpy as a cat on a hot stove today!  I have such a rush of conflicting emotions.  If you would have told me  8 years ago that we would accept this girl from a disrupted adoption, only to have her live with another family for 6-9 months while she learns to manage her anger, I would have said you were crazy!  Then again, if you told me that 8 years later our whole family would be held captive by her anger and that I would have the bruises to show it, again I would argue that to be impossible!
I love my daughter and would gladly give my health and sanity to make her well.  But that is not the question we need to ask, it is this...would we give up the health, sanity and safety of all the other children for hers?  I have always been the one to take in children that can't stay in their homes, it doesn't just break my heart to send her away, it many ways breaks my conscience.
The only thing that makes this bearable is the way the program is designed.  She will go and live in one of their specially trained homes not 40 minutes away, we will meet with her for weekly therapy sessions, she will get to come home for visits, she will get one on one attention in her new home and come back home in 6-9 months better able to manage her anger.  Meanwhile, David and I will adjust our parenting skills to be more affective, we will get the other children help with their trauma, tighten the reigns on the unruly behaviors that can be very provocative to Miss A and in the end (hopefully) have a much healthier family.  

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo