Its What We Do...

If we are honest, most days we are just trying to hold things together.

 Everywhere we look, something is threatening to come apart at the seams.  

Whether it’s family, house, yard, health, or work: it all seems to be held together by a very thin thread.  

God has gifted women with an extraordinary ability to not only juggle multiple items with incredible skill, but to keep them from falling apart.  We wield a God given Super Glue that we innately know how and where to apply. 

We are doers and fixers…and we are good at it!

We see every broken place, crack, splinter and weak spot and we are ON IT!  Fixing, applying, adding, piecing or simply fretting about how to fix it. 

  I don’t know about you…but I get so exhausted!!!

Sometimes, a lot of times, the problems are too complex for us to handle.  There are no books, seminars, conferences, techniques, counselors or even medications that we can turn to for help. 

The issues that we deal with are huge.  God has asked each and every one of us to hold the broken close to our hearts.  In doing so, their pain becomes very personal.   We rub up against it, touch it, feel it and help that person carry it.  Pain and brokenness are messy…so very messy!  When we get close, it soils us.

  But God asked us to embrace the broken because that is exactly what He did for and to us. 

  Is it easy, NO!  Is it fun, not in the slightest!  Does He ask us to like it, not at all!  

He never asked us to enjoy our walk in this world.  

He just asked us to be His light and love to the person we are walking with, knowing that the world has done a number on them too!

But when we can’t fix it:  when there isn’t anywhere to turn and we run out of answers, then we get discouraged.

Hopelessness, depression and despair start to swirl around like smoke and we choke on it.  Although we can work like crazy to fix things on a good day, the minute we can’t find a solution, we bow our heads and give up.  At least, I do!  And at that moment, we are made useless.  Our light goes out and we are disarmed.

Satan uses some pretty heavy weaponry on us because we are fighting ‘front line’ stuff.  We are walking beside Gods people, and this broken world has placed them within Satans grasp.  God has asked you to help get them back!  Do you think Satan is going to stand back and watch that happen?!!!  I DON’T THINK SO!

He will hit you with the big guns…problems that are too big for you to handle and when you can’t fix them, he’ll hit you with doubt, despair, discouragement and depression! You’ll get mad at yourself, your family, your church and community.  Everyone will have failed you, in your mind! 

But look at what he says in Acts 17:26-27---

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him.  Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for ‘In him we live and move and have our being’”

Do you hear what Paul is saying here?  Remember who God is!  He has allotted when you were to be born, where you were to be born and what the boundary of you life would be, whether physically or spiritually. 

  No matter where you are, you can at least FEEL your way toward Him and FIND Him!  

He is not so far from you…because ‘IN HIM WE LIVE AND MOVE AND HAVE OUR BEING’…

Fixing things in our life requires action, using our hands.  It’s what we do, we are good at it.  But when the dark smoke starts to swirl around you, you’re choking and you can’t see; 

reach out and ‘feel your way toward him and find him’.  

He didn’t leave you in some unknown place. 

  He put you there, and ‘is actually not far from’ you!  

Seattle skyline shrouded in smoke from wildfires

In His love,

Cath

Making an impact...

This is such a sweet story about the way one family is making a difference and raising awareness...

The need is great, and this family wanted to let others know what they could do...love it!

Click here to see how this sweet family is making a difference!

This girl...

Was born on an unknown date, in a house that no longer exists

 somewhere in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia...

Was sent to an orphanage around the age of 6 or 7,

 along with her younger sister and brother, when her mother died...

This girl was sad...

                      This girl was afraid...

Became their constant guardian and protector, comforter and "mother"...

was separated from her baby brother because,

'it is too hard to find families willing to adopt more than two children at a time.' ...

This girl was broken...

                             This girl was loving....

                                                                               This girl was courageous...

Was adopted and brought to America when she was almost 9 years old...

did what she had always done...

 faced the challenge with all the courage she could muster!...

 threw herself into every struggle with the will to win...

and determined to find the good...

even when the pain came in floods and  threatened to drag her under...

This girl was hurting...

                             This girl was confused...

But she pressed on...

Never willing to let the pain that the past created,

 become the only future she would know...

This girl was determined...

                                   This girl was forgiving...

This girl is amazing...

                  This girl is strong...

                                                                This girl is wise beyond her years...

This girl is a woman I am so proud to know...

This girl is our daughter!

May the road rise up to meet you...

Today I realized that all my children will be home for Easter-Hurray!!!!

 A year ago, I never would have guessed at the enormity of that statement.  The last 12 months have seen changes that I could not have imagined.  God is good, life is temperamental.

I have learned that it is difficult to avoid looking forward without some element of fear.  Knowing there will be joys along the way isn't enough to calm a nervous soul; even though reminders of the sort are a favorite form of comfort from well-meaning friends.  The reality is that we are weak and vulnerable, and we know it.  Look at the animal world and you will see how the meek react in the face of danger.  They don't face it bravely, they run and hide-a very natural reaction.

If the turmoil in my life has taught me anything, its that I am living in a broken world.  I cannot change that and all the good thoughts I can think, don't make me any more prepared to face the hardships.  Good times are a band aid; they cover the wound and help keep out the infection of bitterness.  They don't prevent hurts, prepare you for them, or even make them heal any faster.

My life is filled with joys, I am thankful for them.  But my comfort comes from the fact that I don't walk alone.  That my Savior walks with me through the only Hell that I will ever know.  My comfort is in the knowledge that I don't have to like my circumstance; I can cry, weep, wail (which I am getting VERY good at, by the way), struggle, tear my clothes, and pull my hair out. But at the end of the day, I realize that I am the one that He has chosen to walk this path and by His grace, walk it I will!

The real danger in hardship is in working so hard to handle it 'correctly', we continue to look inward.
                                          (Please read that sentence again.)
 Focusing on every detail of our emotional state that we forget to look out...to look UP!
If God thought we could go through our challenges the 'right' way (whatever that is),

 He never would have given them to us!

 What???

That's right.

 He knew we would kick, scream, get angry, be selfish, thrash around...and then, look UP.  Like a toddler that finally decides to quiet their fit and listen, we take a breath and do the same.  Then we listen, and we learn. 

We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off,
 
                                  feel a little better for having gotten it all out,
 
                                                                                    take His hand ...

                                                              and keep walking!

Time to relax and refuel, the key to keeping a marriage healthy

Early Saturday morning, David and I decided that we would sneak away for the weekend.  The timing could not have been better.  Both of us were wound pretty tight after the past few weeks of dealing with Miss A, I think the kids were as happy to have us leave as we were :)
There's a decent hotel in Silverdale where we can get a huge room with a kitchenette and little living room for a great price.  We get there quick and spend the time we would normally be travelling, sitting in the hot tub!  It may not be the most exotic get away, but we have lots of "down time" which is critical for us.

Ahhh...so nice to relax and enjoy each others company

A quiet dinner, movie, laughter and sleeping late is just what the doctor ordered.

The weather smiled just long enough for us to have a wonderful walk along the Clear Creek trail.  Birds were everywhere.  A pair of Killdeer cautiously allowed us to watch their 4 little babies peck around in the mud before calling them to safety under moms wings.  

Daddy Killdeer standing guard

We determined to make bird watching walks a regular date time.  Amid all the chaos of life, David is always so willing to invest in our marriage any way he can.  I am so thankful for the enduring friendship we share.

A little Junco in our tree

Two woodpeckers, a Pileated and a Flicker at our feeder

My Wonderful Hubby :)

This sweet man has been my best friend and love of my life for nearly 25 years now.  He is an amazing husband and father.  There is no one else that I would rather walk this road with.  May God richly bless him for his kindness and loving sacrifice for his family.  I love you babe!!

Wednesday, April 13

Today is the day!  Long, restless night without much sleep.  Miss A was restless too.  I suppose it feels a bit like knowing you will have to walk the plank in the morning.  We tried to give her lots of snuggles and encouragement, but no matter what we say, this will be one of the hardest days of her life.
Confirmation came for David and I throughout the day yesterday.  Parents who had gone through it with their own children called to remind us that there are times we have to make the hard decisions for the good of the group.  Even my 18 year old niece, who is also from Ethiopia, called to give her thoughts and suggestions.  Normally, that would seem a little strange, except that she has walked a very similar path as our Miss A.  She too, struggled to control her anger.  In her case, she ended up spending 6 months in Juvenile Detention for assault.  A very real potential for Miss A, as the last blow up involved assaulting me and her brother.  My niece had some great ideas about how we could stay connected to Miss A while she is away to lessen her feelings that we 'abandoned' her.  Things like not forgetting to still make a big deal about her birthday, daily letters to let her know she's not forgotten, and involving her in family events, are all things that meant a lot to my niece.  We had already planned on doing all of that, but it was good to be reminded to not let it slack.  She really felt like the most important thing she learned while away was how to use positive activities to release anger, instead of bad ones.  Practicing those activities daily to make them part of a daily routine makes them something that she would be more likely to choose when feeling stressed, was her advice.  I thought that was brilliant and definitely something we would want to work into her behavior plan that they implement in her therapeutic home.
Miss A is incredibly unmotivated!  She despises doing anything that takes physical exertion or effort.  Therefore, what inevitably happens is that she will sit for hours in a chair near the fire and gradually feel worse and worse about herself and everyone else until she finally blows.  Its a pattern we have seen played out time and time again.  Any suggestions on our part to get up and do something to derail the train and change the trajectory of the anger, is met by a brick wall of refusal.
As I understand it, this program will be designed around teaching her that she needs to earn the right to do what she wants.  In that way, she will need to do a certain number of 'positive' activities in order to earn the right to sit in a chair by the fire.  My niece said that it was being forced to do good things each day that got her to really enjoy doing them, but it was a battle at the time!
I know without a doubt that we are not the people that can most effectively teach Miss A those skills.  We have tried and tried but it has become a game for her to refuse.  She has designed the framework in such a way that she 'has to' push back or accept defeat, which is way too scary!!!!  It is our prayer that a change of environment will allow her to change her framework without us hovering over her and watching. Plus, she will have the natural motivation of coming home to spur her on.
Oh, my friends, this will be a day to remember.  My heart is aching and I covet your prayers!

Tuesday, April 12

We got a call from the director of MTFC at Kitsap Mental Health.  Miss A has been accepted into the Therapeutic Behavioral Management program and will be going to her therapeutic home on Wednesday.  I'm as jumpy as a cat on a hot stove today!  I have such a rush of conflicting emotions.  If you would have told me  8 years ago that we would accept this girl from a disrupted adoption, only to have her live with another family for 6-9 months while she learns to manage her anger, I would have said you were crazy!  Then again, if you told me that 8 years later our whole family would be held captive by her anger and that I would have the bruises to show it, again I would argue that to be impossible!
I love my daughter and would gladly give my health and sanity to make her well.  But that is not the question we need to ask, it is this...would we give up the health, sanity and safety of all the other children for hers?  I have always been the one to take in children that can't stay in their homes, it doesn't just break my heart to send her away, it many ways breaks my conscience.
The only thing that makes this bearable is the way the program is designed.  She will go and live in one of their specially trained homes not 40 minutes away, we will meet with her for weekly therapy sessions, she will get to come home for visits, she will get one on one attention in her new home and come back home in 6-9 months better able to manage her anger.  Meanwhile, David and I will adjust our parenting skills to be more affective, we will get the other children help with their trauma, tighten the reigns on the unruly behaviors that can be very provocative to Miss A and in the end (hopefully) have a much healthier family.  

Thursday, April 7

According to the calendar, spring has arrived.  This year it finds me sitting on a heating pad in my bed with a stocking cap on, while I write this post.  It is 33 degrees outside and we are out of dry firewood, not usually a problem for this time of year.  I don't mind though, its cozy in here and the sun is shining, giving me hope that the day will warm.
I'm hoping that it warms enough to make viewing Mr. C's baseball game a bit more comfortable, though.  It will be the first one this season that I have seen.  Between rain-outs and lack of communication on his part,  I've missed a lot of action.  For some reason, he wasn't telling me when he had a game and I decided not to push it.  My hunch is that he was unhappy with how he was playing and waited to have me there until he loosened up a bit.  Poor guy, I wish he didn't wrap so much of his personal identity up in his ability to play!
Miss A continues to be stubborn and angry with me.  I find it almost peaceful, since she refuses to talk to me.  Sounds horrid of me, I know, but typically she nips at me and everyone else all day long.  The peace is refreshing, even though you could cut the tension with a butter knife :-P
I spent most yesterday on the phone with the DCFS Family Reconciliation Service Agency, our Psych office, pediatric doctors office, friends that have friends that might be able to help, Kitsap Mental Health....ie-gathering information and resources and trying to put together a plan that will help us have a workable scenario for keeping Miss A home.  Like a dog in the garden, I'm digging like crazy to find that hidden bone- a perfect plan that we can grab onto that allows her to remain at home without sacrificing the peace and safety of everyone else in the process. I caught a few sniffs of possible options yesterday, but will need to follow up today.  Ir sounds like Group Health may help pay for outside help if they can agree upon a treatment plan with  the "outside" provider.  This was wonderful news!  We really like the Psychiatrist that she has, but treatment has focused primarily on stabilizing her Psychosis with meds and not dealing with the underlying issues or on her behavioral problems.
A workable plan might be one that includes emergency respite care for when she has an "episode" and behavioral therapy/management and treatment for her underlying PTSD.  It needs to be with someone who isn't easily manipulated or ensnared by her charms into believing that she's fine, which is what we have struggled with in the past.
So all this = more calls today.
David and I were able to get out for a bit together after the kids went to bed.  Living with all this tension has taken its toll on our relationship.  Our unshakable unity has always been a source of strength and comfort to both of us in the past.  Lately, we find ourselves questioning the other persons tactics or motives in dealing with the children.  Its sad how quickly that shakes the foundation of a marriage, thus the family.  Living with people who are unstable mentally, creates an atmosphere of  instability that taints how everyone thinks.  You can't trust your own feeling or anyone else's.  No one behaves rationally because they are functioning from a place of fear.  One fear that may be helpful for us is the fear of NOT being unified.  We are so afraid of having to parent alone that we will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and stay unified.  I say that with a little smirk on my face, but really, its true.
Our was fun, coupon shopping at Rite Aid and Albertsons!  Its become sort of a hobby with us to hunt down the best bargains combining sales with coupons.  Toting our "coupon binder" in which we've collected and carefully filed away coupons from the Sunday papers, we head out to the stores with the best advertised deals on products we use. Our big wins last night were- 10 boxes of cereal for $1.25 each, a Venus razor for $2.00 (normally $11), 5 boxes of granola bars for around $1.35 each and Purex laundry detergent, 46 loads for $1.99 each. In the end, we spent around $60 and saved close to $100, plus got $9 off our next shopping trip.  Love it!  David is like a kid in a candy shop when we find a good deal -so cute!  We make it a little competition to see who can find the best deals, high fives and fist pounding to whoever discovers one.  Great fun!

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo

Tuesday, April 5

I may sound a bit grumpy tonight, my apologies. 

Most of my day was spent trying to compose a simple email asking friends and family if they would consider helping us out by taking Miss A when David is out of town on business.  Why is it so very difficult to ask for help?  It seems so selfish to ask other people to disrupt their lives in order to help make ours more manageable.  But I am more convinced than ever that I cannot be left home with her when he is gone. 

She confessed to me and everyone in the car on the way home from school, that she doesn’t obey me, only David, because he has a more intimidating voice.  It’s sad.  After everything that we have gone through with her and for her, that she doesn’t have any desire to obey us, just out of love and respect.  It  only comes down to the tenor of our voices!  I wonder how far we have really come in 8 years of relationship building-? 

The rest of the afternoon went from bad to worse.  She went around the house demanding this and that from me and other people.  Dictated what we could and couldn’t say or do.  When we refused to comply, her grumpy mood escalated.  At that point, I decided that the other kids didn’t need to be subjected to her foul mood.  So we loaded into the van and left her alone with herself.  I treated them to pizza and ice cream, a much better way to spend the afternoon than listening to her grump. 

Part way through the evening I got a call from a police officer saying that she was at our house in response to a 911 call.  Apparently, Miss A had called 911 to say that she was not getting along with her parents and wanted a new home.  The police officer came to the house, checked things out and saw that she wasn’t in any danger and hadn’t trashed the place and calmly told her that she needed to work things out with us.  Escape is  our daughters only solution.  She cannot see any other way.  She has no tools for resolution and no desire to do the work needed to gain the tools.

Again, I apologize for complaining and talking bad about her, but I’m at a low spot.  A place that I know many others have been at before with their own children.  For better or worse, I’m determined to share our journey so that others can learn from it.  Take the good and be blessed or learn from our mistakes and vow to do better-either way is good.

The strain on our marriage is hard to bear.  If we could always agree on how to handle her, or be ever-so-careful to not place blame, it would be so wonderful.  But that is not always the reality.  David and I are a team, but when you are both so tired and stressed, its easy to let hurtful words slip or imagine you are being attacked.  You imagine all sorts of things that may or may not be true.  It’s not o.k. to lash out on your child, the very person causing stress yet the one you are both desperately trying to save, so you lash out on each other.  But all you have is each other.  You agreed to have the other persons back.  They are not the enemy!  So you remember that, vent a little, cry a lot, and reposition onto the same side of the playing field again.  Game on!

How God Holds Us

 This picture says it all. 

 Here are two people that reached beyond the differences between them and loved each other deeply.
This is our Mr. J and my grandma.  A strong, kind, good woman that accepted the hardships in her life with grace and dignity.

The rest of the picture is just as beautiful.  A slight, curly haired boy with dark eyes stands with his hand on the shoulder of an old woman in a wheel chair and they look lovingly into each others eyes.  Though hers are dim and she can barely see, her memory is faded and spotty so that its difficult to remember names and faces, yet she knows without a doubt who is holding her hand.

A precious moment in time.  One that makes the angels sing on high.  These are the gifts of heaven, a glimpse into eternity.  The times that fill our hearts and mend the hurts.  A touch from the Divine.

We miss Grandma daily, and we don't know how long we will have Mr. J with us.  Riddled from birth with unanswered health issues, he is a miracle of  life.  But no matter what the future holds, we have been given moments like this, a healing balm for our aching hearts.

Be Blessed,
Cathy

Seeking Bloggy Vision

I thought this fish was cool, not sure how it relates =)

Flipping through blogs this weekend, I remembered why it is that I often feel intimidated to blog.  Looking at other blogs makes me feel empty handed.  Compared to these wonderful cooks, gardeners, happy wives, homesteaders, thankful moms, what do I have to bring?  What do I have that you might benefit from?  I think I have finally formed a vision of the gift that I have for you, and its one that really makes me smile (unlike our fish friend above-he is still seeking a bloggy vision -lol).  I bring what I lack.

I've got it all together!

I would love to have it all together.  To be organized, cheerful, energetic, the perfect weight, have time to garden, have an adorably decorated house....etc.  But I don't.  Just like most of the world, I struggle daily to hold it all together.  But that's the beauty of it.  I am finally finding that its in the very depth of the struggle that I am made whole.  God loves it when I need Him.  

We are thankful for the life that God has given us, and know without a doubt that it is what He has called us to.  But He called us in our imperfection, in our neediness.  Knowing what we are and how much we would stumble, He chose us to be the ones to walk this road.  It was not because of our gifts, abilities or credentials.  

These are difficult days that we live in.  We need to spur one another on in love, give a hand up in our brokenness and the soothing balm of a smile to the hurting.

This is true for every aspect of being a wife, mother or even a woman. But also true for adoption. 

It is my ardent belief that there is far too much "putting on a face" in adoption.  David and I are blessed beyond measure through our children, but we have and still are, enduring much heartache and pain.  I am the first to admit that adoption doesn't always bring difficulty, but I have also learned to NEVER judge those who struggle.  It is real and judging the family only brings more heartache and suffering.  We need to not be afraid to admit the struggles and encourage one another.  I don't blame the children, only the evil that wreaked havoc on their hearts, causing them to live in fear.  To lash out at the very ones that are attempting to offer them safety and love.

I want to share my heart with you, share my struggles, hoping you will be encouraged-never judged.  I invite you to contact me.  Share your stories, comments....whatever.  This is your place to feel at home.

Thats what this blog is about---thats my 'bloggy vision"  :)