Avoiding Emotional Hooks!

Its so easy to get drawn into other people's drama, let alone out kids'...

Here are a few easy tips to avoid getting hooked!

Click here to read more...

I'd love to here your thoughts in the comments!

All my love,

Cathy

Its What We Do...

If we are honest, most days we are just trying to hold things together.

 Everywhere we look, something is threatening to come apart at the seams.  

Whether it’s family, house, yard, health, or work: it all seems to be held together by a very thin thread.  

God has gifted women with an extraordinary ability to not only juggle multiple items with incredible skill, but to keep them from falling apart.  We wield a God given Super Glue that we innately know how and where to apply. 

We are doers and fixers…and we are good at it!

We see every broken place, crack, splinter and weak spot and we are ON IT!  Fixing, applying, adding, piecing or simply fretting about how to fix it. 

  I don’t know about you…but I get so exhausted!!!

Sometimes, a lot of times, the problems are too complex for us to handle.  There are no books, seminars, conferences, techniques, counselors or even medications that we can turn to for help. 

The issues that we deal with are huge.  God has asked each and every one of us to hold the broken close to our hearts.  In doing so, their pain becomes very personal.   We rub up against it, touch it, feel it and help that person carry it.  Pain and brokenness are messy…so very messy!  When we get close, it soils us.

  But God asked us to embrace the broken because that is exactly what He did for and to us. 

  Is it easy, NO!  Is it fun, not in the slightest!  Does He ask us to like it, not at all!  

He never asked us to enjoy our walk in this world.  

He just asked us to be His light and love to the person we are walking with, knowing that the world has done a number on them too!

But when we can’t fix it:  when there isn’t anywhere to turn and we run out of answers, then we get discouraged.

Hopelessness, depression and despair start to swirl around like smoke and we choke on it.  Although we can work like crazy to fix things on a good day, the minute we can’t find a solution, we bow our heads and give up.  At least, I do!  And at that moment, we are made useless.  Our light goes out and we are disarmed.

Satan uses some pretty heavy weaponry on us because we are fighting ‘front line’ stuff.  We are walking beside Gods people, and this broken world has placed them within Satans grasp.  God has asked you to help get them back!  Do you think Satan is going to stand back and watch that happen?!!!  I DON’T THINK SO!

He will hit you with the big guns…problems that are too big for you to handle and when you can’t fix them, he’ll hit you with doubt, despair, discouragement and depression! You’ll get mad at yourself, your family, your church and community.  Everyone will have failed you, in your mind! 

But look at what he says in Acts 17:26-27---

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him.  Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for ‘In him we live and move and have our being’”

Do you hear what Paul is saying here?  Remember who God is!  He has allotted when you were to be born, where you were to be born and what the boundary of you life would be, whether physically or spiritually. 

  No matter where you are, you can at least FEEL your way toward Him and FIND Him!  

He is not so far from you…because ‘IN HIM WE LIVE AND MOVE AND HAVE OUR BEING’…

Fixing things in our life requires action, using our hands.  It’s what we do, we are good at it.  But when the dark smoke starts to swirl around you, you’re choking and you can’t see; 

reach out and ‘feel your way toward him and find him’.  

He didn’t leave you in some unknown place. 

  He put you there, and ‘is actually not far from’ you!  

Seattle skyline shrouded in smoke from wildfires

In His love,

Cath

A Teens Journey Through Addiction

This kid!...

our 9th child,

18 years old,

didn't graduate from high school,

can't drive until he's 21 years old due to drug charges,

lives in a half-way house and washes dishes in a restaurant,

and we simply could not be more proud of him and his accomplishments!!!  

Why?

Because in one week, we will celebrate a major milestone in his journey...ONE YEAR OF SOBRIETY....Yeah!!!!

At this time last year, we were picking him up from jail and driving him across the mountains to a  drug treatment facility.  He was so angry that we had to have his older brother ride along for extra protection in case he bolted or got violent.  I was literally shaking during the entire three hour drive!  Our relationship with him was almost completely broken.  We were all hurt and angry.

After 35 days in that treatment center, we drove 5 hours to the next one and he stayed there for 3 more months.

When his time there was up, we had no choice but to bring him home until we could find an available bed at an Oxford House (a clean and sober half-way house).  And he's been there ever since.

Its not that we didn't want him to stay home,  in fact, I grieved heavily at losing him again.  You see, he is such a bright, funny, loving, magnetic person.  He lights up every room he enters with a huge smile.  Drugs had stolen that person from me since the time he was 11 and then when he had finally gotten clean, and we could see glimmers of the boy we once knew coming back out, he wasn't able to stay.  And I felt robbed again.

But his drug buddies lived around us, and he couldn't risk falling into that lifestyle again.  Not only that, but he had gotten pretty heavy into dealing drugs and their were several people who wanted him dead...literally!

And now, here we are!  One year clean and sober...no alcohol, pot, Molly, mushrooms, cocaine, etc.  None of it...!

Here is our story...
I don't want this to come across like we did it right or have all the answers, far from it!  But rather,  in the hope that it will help someone who is in a similar situation and needs some encouragement, its a lonely road!

It took 3 years of fighting law enforcement to get him arrested enough times or for a serious enough offense that the court would order drug treatment.  That's right~ I was the crazy mom who called the police, called parole officers, called the court, called juvenile detention...hours upon hours of phone calls, snapping pictures of every shred of evidence I could find and waving it in peoples faces until someone finally heard me cry..."Help him!!!" ..."Please, someone help him before he's 18 and its too late!"

Why did I need the court to send him to treatment?  Because in our state, you can't force someone to go to counseling after the age of 13, let alone treatment.  Its ridiculous! He was a danger to society and himself, but unless he admitted there was a problem and chose to seek help on his own, there was nothing we could do.  So we hounded the system.  Praise God it worked for us, but there are WAY too many people who don't get to enjoy such happy outcomes.

The system is broken.  Especially when it comes to drug abuse and mental illness. ( I will tell you about our run-ins with the mental health circus sometime...that was a crazy ride!..no pun intended :P) But along the way, you learn valuable little tidbits that help you out...
For instance--in our state, every time you call 911 on your child his name gets on a list that goes to a Juvenile Court Judge, if he sees your childs name come up enough times, he can order him to appear in court to find out whats going on.
So, like a Mom on a mission to save her child, I called him in for everything you were allowed to call in for; leaving the house without permission, threatening people, damaging property, illegal possession of drugs or drug related items, skipping school...you name it, I called.

Some cops understood my mission and even applauded it.  Others complained that I was wasting their time.  It seemed to just be the luck of the draw.

At one point, we got him signed up for the Youth At Risk program.  Its a program through Juvenile Court where they bring in a mediator to try to assess how bad things are and help the family get things back on track.  If the kid won't cooperate, then they turn them over to a Judge, who then takes over the parenting role and consequences for breaking family rules becomes time in detention.

Its a good program for kids like ours, who really couldn't give a darn about house rules or school at all.  The Court Appointed Mediator was great and actually gave David and I the green light to lay down some heavy consequences that hesitated to do before.  It didn't take long for our little runaway to decide he didn't like the pressure and he decided Jobcorp was a better option for him.  But that only lasted about 5 months before he was kicked out for drug use...no big surprise!

Our big break came in December of 2014, when we received a notice from the court that he would have to appear before a judge for a drug charge from 10 months prior!!! Way back in February he had been caught on school property (big no-no) with a baggie of pot.  It had taken 10 months for them to formally charge him.  So in January, we went to court, he was found guilty and sentenced to 3 days in Juvie-big whoop.  But, the best thing that came out of it was that he had to serve 9 month probation, and his probation officer was GREAT!  She saw what was going on and was watching him, and all his cronies.  If she even caught a whiff of something fishy, she was ON IT.  Plus, she really made me feel like we were a team.  She understood my desperation to get him help and encouraged me to let her know if I saw him doing anything questionable.  Three months into it and he was locked up for a month with an order to go straight from detention into rehab.  She had compiled a laundry list of parole violations ranging from being 10 minutes late to out-patient drug counseling to a failed UA (urine analysis drug test).  Nothing horribly serious, but enough that the Judge could see that although our son was good at covering his tracks, he really did need some help.

Little did they know how right they were.  We found out later, that during that same period of time drug dealers had almost shot him!  They had jumped him right in our neighborhood, drove him to a remote location, beat him up and had a gun to his head!  He was saved by a curious stranger passing by with a spotlight.  True story!

That was the final trip to detention and the beginning of sobriety.  Today, he is loving his new life!

And this week we get the joy (yes, it is a joy again! Thank you, Jesus :) ) of spending a few days at the beach with him.  We will have a celebration honoring his amazing accomplishments and present him with this token...

We know that sobriety is very fragile.  It will be a life-long journey that he has to take one day at a time.  There may be set backs, but we praise God for His mercy and faithfulness to us and pray that you will not lose heart in yours.

I love the mandate that God gave in Joshua 1:7, "Only be strong and very courageous, ...do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go."


In His love,
Cath

Read about his celebration...

Get it. Read it...its amazing!

Country singer, Jimmy Wayne tells about his life growing up in foster care.  He has turned his experiences into a life dedicated to making a difference in the lives of youth still in care.

In honor of National Foster Care Month, the kindle edition of his book, A Walk to Beautiful, is only $2.99!

I encourage you to take a look inside the life of a child in foster care by reading this....

Making an impact...

This is such a sweet story about the way one family is making a difference and raising awareness...

The need is great, and this family wanted to let others know what they could do...love it!

Click here to see how this sweet family is making a difference!

This girl...

Was born on an unknown date, in a house that no longer exists

 somewhere in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia...

Was sent to an orphanage around the age of 6 or 7,

 along with her younger sister and brother, when her mother died...

This girl was sad...

                      This girl was afraid...

Became their constant guardian and protector, comforter and "mother"...

was separated from her baby brother because,

'it is too hard to find families willing to adopt more than two children at a time.' ...

This girl was broken...

                             This girl was loving....

                                                                               This girl was courageous...

Was adopted and brought to America when she was almost 9 years old...

did what she had always done...

 faced the challenge with all the courage she could muster!...

 threw herself into every struggle with the will to win...

and determined to find the good...

even when the pain came in floods and  threatened to drag her under...

This girl was hurting...

                             This girl was confused...

But she pressed on...

Never willing to let the pain that the past created,

 become the only future she would know...

This girl was determined...

                                   This girl was forgiving...

This girl is amazing...

                  This girl is strong...

                                                                This girl is wise beyond her years...

This girl is a woman I am so proud to know...

This girl is our daughter!

Change is in the air!

   David left yesterday for a business trip and won't be back until late Thursday night.  Although I will miss him terribly, the thought of him going isn't nearly as overwhelming these days.

In the past, we could pretty much count on the fact that there would be some sort of "event" when he was away.

For the safety of everyone, we had decided to never have Miss A home when David was out of town. You can read more about it HERE  The difficulty was finding somewhere for her to go, since he travels fairly frequently.

What a difference it made knowing that she was somewhere safe and we could look forward to a somewhat 'normal' week.

I slept like a baby.  In the past, I have laid awake most of the night on alert for what might happen.  My hands would be shaky every moment of every day that he was away.  But when he'd call to check on us, I would try my hardest to pretend that I was relaxed and happy.  I couldn't bear to let him know how I suffered!  His job is challenging enough without having the added stress of wondering if your family was safe.

At 2:00 I cheerfully dropped him off at the ferry and drove home without a care.  In fact, I had a lovely phone conversation with Miss A on the way home!

She sounds great!  Missing us of course, but not distraught.  Miss S talked to her too and noticed how much more 'grown up' she sounded.  I agree.  She seems to be processing things in a much more mature way.  I'm very proud of her and miss her so much, despite the past.  We talked about how this whole thing is going to be very good for all of us-I really believe that!

I even took time to sew a new purse!

Before he left...

We broke the news to the kids that we would be implementing the new points/rewards system for behavior that the MTFC program (that Miss A is in) requires.  The program director would like us to have the same system they use in her foster family in place when she comes home for visitation.  Although the kids hate the thought, David and I are pretty excited about it.  

David answering questions about the "new program"

Points/ reward systems are not usually very effective for kids with attachment issues, which most kids who are adopted have to some degree.  It becomes one more thing that they use to control and manipulate you, therefore, I don't usually advocate using them.  But as this is required for the program, and as it has been designed for VERY challenging children, I am looking forward to giving it a try.

Here is a very basic outline of what is required at the first of three "levels".  I will introduce you to the other two levels as soon as the program director gives us that information.

Points                     things required to earn points                                                                                             

5                            up on time

15                          ready for the day-brush teeth, 

                              clean clothes, eat breakfast

15                          morning clean up-make bed, 

                              clothes away, room neat,

                               personal items put away

10                          pass inspection- 

                              backpack, pockets, room check

15                          homework done, 

                              read and study time

10                          chore

15                         ** school card

                             (teacher signature and performance)

15                          attitude/maturity-

                                respectful problem solving,

                                accepting 'no', follow directions -A.M.

15                          attitude/maturity--P.M.

10                          shower/bedtime

5                            medication-taken nicely

0-5 bonus               caught doing something good

** School card signed by each teacher stating if they had all homework done, behavior was good, tardy or not, etc.  We will only do this for classes they have below a C

***  They must earn at least 100 points each day in order to "spend" points for privileges the next day

Privilege                  Description          Point cost   

Basics                   Radio/tv in room,       40

                             9pm bedtime   

     

Later bedtime        Later bedtime

                              on non-school days    15

phone calls             to approved

                              list of friends         15 for 20 min

other                      computer time, 

                                stereo,                     20 for 30 min

                               nintendo, 

                              etc with approval   

                                                  

tv                           after chores 

                              and homework             20

points bank            save extra points

                             for special privileges  

                              cost negotiated

                               

 additional ideas

(what motivates you?)

Making Progress-our first day in family therapy

Monday was our first day of family therapy for the MTFC program that Miss A is in.

Despite my struggle to deal with the anger that had been brewing in me for so long, I found myself saying a lot of really nice things about my daughter!

It kind of took me by surprise-in a good way :)

It reminded me that even though we have gone through some incredibly difficult things with her, she is still my daughter and I do really, really love her.

And maybe most importantly, I have not lost hope for her or our relationship.

The folks in the program continue to impress David and I with their compassion and understanding. 

Within the adoption realm there are a lot of families who are frustrated with therapists that don't 'get it'.  They fail to understand the complex issues surrounding children with trauma and attachment issues.  Therapists are hypnotized by a child's outward charms into the belief that all problems stem from a lack of proper parenting. The message that parents receive is that the issues they are dealing with originate from not doing enough to 'honor the child's culture' or 'understanding their pain'.  Unfortunately, the child hears this too and is armed with even more ammunition against his family.

We felt like we were going to face a firing squad when we left that morning.  But nothing could be farther from the truth!  Although the therapist was clearly empathic towards Miss A and all that she has gone through that has led to this place, she did not blame us or point a finger of correction at us in any way.

She seemed to recognize that we are doing our best and that we want nothing more than to see her find a sense of hope again.

We are suppose to implement at home a points/reward system that they use.  That way, when she comes home for visits and when she gets home, there wont be any confusing gaps or changes.  The program that they use will just flow over into our lives, too.

I have to admit that I'm a little skeptical.

Order, repetition and consistency are not my forte.

Also, what we do with one child, we will have to do with everyone, which makes the idea even more overwhelming.

But, I'm game.

Who knows, maybe it will be just the ticket for everyone-?

A Much Deeper Forgiveness

At the risk of stating the obvious, Gods timing is so perfect its almost comical!

Miss A has been in the program for a week now.  Each day she has been away I discover new feeling sprouting from my heart like buds on the Maple trees outside my window, but much less pleasant to witness!  Out of the core of me is coming such a rush of anger and bitterness, its taking me by surprise.  I had no idea how much animosity had been stored up over the years toward my own dear daughter.  It hurts to admit it.

Witnessing our other children bask in the peace and quiet that comes in her absence, makes me realize how much of a hold she had on everyone.  She controlled every aspect of our lives.  Each day, I woke with the dread of waking her not knowing if she would be in a decent mood or a bad one.  If it was bad, our whole day would be a nightmare!  The other kids would walk on egg shells all day for fear of arousing her wrath and go to bed at night afraid of what she might do to them in their sleep.  All of this became the marshland that I navigated each day.  No time to stop and consider or raise my eyes from the path, lest I stray into danger.  "Keep to the path, don't lose focus" was the chant inside my head that my feet beat the path to.
Now in relative peace, comes the reality of where we have been and the rush of emotions we held tight in our chest until in safety we dare to look at them.

Thank you Lord for the reminder that now is the time to forgive!


Over the years, my thoughts and energies were fixed on the work at hand.  I was careful to establish my heart in the fact that she was hurt and it was my job to minister to her needs.  Pouring every ounce I could muster into loving her the best way possible, day in and day out.

When the Psychologist suggested that much of what she does is for attention, that she really does understand what is going on and that she is quite possibly not psychotic as we had been led to believe, something broke, and I think it was my heart.
There's no doubt in my mind that the motivation for her behavior is pain and trauma.  That she doesn't 'mean' to do it, but to hear that she continues to hurt, lie and abuse for personal gain...well, frankly, that is so distressing it makes me angry!

BUT, being the season of the greatest example of forgiveness given by our Lord Jesus Christ, there is hope yet for me :)

I long for a restored relationship with Miss A.  I hunger for a deeper relationship with Christ.  Therefore, I WILL forgive her!  Its not my favorite thing to do.  Hurt and anger are familiar friends whose company comforts me.  Difficult to admit, but true.  They whisper to me that forgiving leaves me powerless, that only in holding onto hurt can we really make the other person SUFFER!              LIES!!!!!


To hold onto hurt only rots my own heart and gives power to the enemy!

My prayer is now-

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
try me and know my anxious (evil) thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
and lead me in the everlasting way.


So, Gods timing is perfect in that He should expose the depth of my unforgiveness in this season.  The same time of year 7 years ago, that He asked me to "walk to the cross" for a hurting little girl and her brother, in the same way He walked to the cross for me (knowing FULLY what I am, a sinful wretch).  To lay down my life for her as He laid down His for me.  Yep, 7 years ago those were the words that came in confirmation to adopt Miss A and Mr B!  And today He asks me to go much deeper in forgiveness!

Time to relax and refuel, the key to keeping a marriage healthy

Early Saturday morning, David and I decided that we would sneak away for the weekend.  The timing could not have been better.  Both of us were wound pretty tight after the past few weeks of dealing with Miss A, I think the kids were as happy to have us leave as we were :)
There's a decent hotel in Silverdale where we can get a huge room with a kitchenette and little living room for a great price.  We get there quick and spend the time we would normally be travelling, sitting in the hot tub!  It may not be the most exotic get away, but we have lots of "down time" which is critical for us.

Ahhh...so nice to relax and enjoy each others company

A quiet dinner, movie, laughter and sleeping late is just what the doctor ordered.

The weather smiled just long enough for us to have a wonderful walk along the Clear Creek trail.  Birds were everywhere.  A pair of Killdeer cautiously allowed us to watch their 4 little babies peck around in the mud before calling them to safety under moms wings.  

Daddy Killdeer standing guard

We determined to make bird watching walks a regular date time.  Amid all the chaos of life, David is always so willing to invest in our marriage any way he can.  I am so thankful for the enduring friendship we share.

A little Junco in our tree

Two woodpeckers, a Pileated and a Flicker at our feeder

Wednesday, April 13

Today is the day!  Long, restless night without much sleep.  Miss A was restless too.  I suppose it feels a bit like knowing you will have to walk the plank in the morning.  We tried to give her lots of snuggles and encouragement, but no matter what we say, this will be one of the hardest days of her life.
Confirmation came for David and I throughout the day yesterday.  Parents who had gone through it with their own children called to remind us that there are times we have to make the hard decisions for the good of the group.  Even my 18 year old niece, who is also from Ethiopia, called to give her thoughts and suggestions.  Normally, that would seem a little strange, except that she has walked a very similar path as our Miss A.  She too, struggled to control her anger.  In her case, she ended up spending 6 months in Juvenile Detention for assault.  A very real potential for Miss A, as the last blow up involved assaulting me and her brother.  My niece had some great ideas about how we could stay connected to Miss A while she is away to lessen her feelings that we 'abandoned' her.  Things like not forgetting to still make a big deal about her birthday, daily letters to let her know she's not forgotten, and involving her in family events, are all things that meant a lot to my niece.  We had already planned on doing all of that, but it was good to be reminded to not let it slack.  She really felt like the most important thing she learned while away was how to use positive activities to release anger, instead of bad ones.  Practicing those activities daily to make them part of a daily routine makes them something that she would be more likely to choose when feeling stressed, was her advice.  I thought that was brilliant and definitely something we would want to work into her behavior plan that they implement in her therapeutic home.
Miss A is incredibly unmotivated!  She despises doing anything that takes physical exertion or effort.  Therefore, what inevitably happens is that she will sit for hours in a chair near the fire and gradually feel worse and worse about herself and everyone else until she finally blows.  Its a pattern we have seen played out time and time again.  Any suggestions on our part to get up and do something to derail the train and change the trajectory of the anger, is met by a brick wall of refusal.
As I understand it, this program will be designed around teaching her that she needs to earn the right to do what she wants.  In that way, she will need to do a certain number of 'positive' activities in order to earn the right to sit in a chair by the fire.  My niece said that it was being forced to do good things each day that got her to really enjoy doing them, but it was a battle at the time!
I know without a doubt that we are not the people that can most effectively teach Miss A those skills.  We have tried and tried but it has become a game for her to refuse.  She has designed the framework in such a way that she 'has to' push back or accept defeat, which is way too scary!!!!  It is our prayer that a change of environment will allow her to change her framework without us hovering over her and watching. Plus, she will have the natural motivation of coming home to spur her on.
Oh, my friends, this will be a day to remember.  My heart is aching and I covet your prayers!

Tuesday, April 12

We got a call from the director of MTFC at Kitsap Mental Health.  Miss A has been accepted into the Therapeutic Behavioral Management program and will be going to her therapeutic home on Wednesday.  I'm as jumpy as a cat on a hot stove today!  I have such a rush of conflicting emotions.  If you would have told me  8 years ago that we would accept this girl from a disrupted adoption, only to have her live with another family for 6-9 months while she learns to manage her anger, I would have said you were crazy!  Then again, if you told me that 8 years later our whole family would be held captive by her anger and that I would have the bruises to show it, again I would argue that to be impossible!
I love my daughter and would gladly give my health and sanity to make her well.  But that is not the question we need to ask, it is this...would we give up the health, sanity and safety of all the other children for hers?  I have always been the one to take in children that can't stay in their homes, it doesn't just break my heart to send her away, it many ways breaks my conscience.
The only thing that makes this bearable is the way the program is designed.  She will go and live in one of their specially trained homes not 40 minutes away, we will meet with her for weekly therapy sessions, she will get to come home for visits, she will get one on one attention in her new home and come back home in 6-9 months better able to manage her anger.  Meanwhile, David and I will adjust our parenting skills to be more affective, we will get the other children help with their trauma, tighten the reigns on the unruly behaviors that can be very provocative to Miss A and in the end (hopefully) have a much healthier family.  

Thursday, April 7

According to the calendar, spring has arrived.  This year it finds me sitting on a heating pad in my bed with a stocking cap on, while I write this post.  It is 33 degrees outside and we are out of dry firewood, not usually a problem for this time of year.  I don't mind though, its cozy in here and the sun is shining, giving me hope that the day will warm.
I'm hoping that it warms enough to make viewing Mr. C's baseball game a bit more comfortable, though.  It will be the first one this season that I have seen.  Between rain-outs and lack of communication on his part,  I've missed a lot of action.  For some reason, he wasn't telling me when he had a game and I decided not to push it.  My hunch is that he was unhappy with how he was playing and waited to have me there until he loosened up a bit.  Poor guy, I wish he didn't wrap so much of his personal identity up in his ability to play!
Miss A continues to be stubborn and angry with me.  I find it almost peaceful, since she refuses to talk to me.  Sounds horrid of me, I know, but typically she nips at me and everyone else all day long.  The peace is refreshing, even though you could cut the tension with a butter knife :-P
I spent most yesterday on the phone with the DCFS Family Reconciliation Service Agency, our Psych office, pediatric doctors office, friends that have friends that might be able to help, Kitsap Mental Health....ie-gathering information and resources and trying to put together a plan that will help us have a workable scenario for keeping Miss A home.  Like a dog in the garden, I'm digging like crazy to find that hidden bone- a perfect plan that we can grab onto that allows her to remain at home without sacrificing the peace and safety of everyone else in the process. I caught a few sniffs of possible options yesterday, but will need to follow up today.  Ir sounds like Group Health may help pay for outside help if they can agree upon a treatment plan with  the "outside" provider.  This was wonderful news!  We really like the Psychiatrist that she has, but treatment has focused primarily on stabilizing her Psychosis with meds and not dealing with the underlying issues or on her behavioral problems.
A workable plan might be one that includes emergency respite care for when she has an "episode" and behavioral therapy/management and treatment for her underlying PTSD.  It needs to be with someone who isn't easily manipulated or ensnared by her charms into believing that she's fine, which is what we have struggled with in the past.
So all this = more calls today.
David and I were able to get out for a bit together after the kids went to bed.  Living with all this tension has taken its toll on our relationship.  Our unshakable unity has always been a source of strength and comfort to both of us in the past.  Lately, we find ourselves questioning the other persons tactics or motives in dealing with the children.  Its sad how quickly that shakes the foundation of a marriage, thus the family.  Living with people who are unstable mentally, creates an atmosphere of  instability that taints how everyone thinks.  You can't trust your own feeling or anyone else's.  No one behaves rationally because they are functioning from a place of fear.  One fear that may be helpful for us is the fear of NOT being unified.  We are so afraid of having to parent alone that we will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and stay unified.  I say that with a little smirk on my face, but really, its true.
Our was fun, coupon shopping at Rite Aid and Albertsons!  Its become sort of a hobby with us to hunt down the best bargains combining sales with coupons.  Toting our "coupon binder" in which we've collected and carefully filed away coupons from the Sunday papers, we head out to the stores with the best advertised deals on products we use. Our big wins last night were- 10 boxes of cereal for $1.25 each, a Venus razor for $2.00 (normally $11), 5 boxes of granola bars for around $1.35 each and Purex laundry detergent, 46 loads for $1.99 each. In the end, we spent around $60 and saved close to $100, plus got $9 off our next shopping trip.  Love it!  David is like a kid in a candy shop when we find a good deal -so cute!  We make it a little competition to see who can find the best deals, high fives and fist pounding to whoever discovers one.  Great fun!

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo

Tuesday, April 5

I may sound a bit grumpy tonight, my apologies. 

Most of my day was spent trying to compose a simple email asking friends and family if they would consider helping us out by taking Miss A when David is out of town on business.  Why is it so very difficult to ask for help?  It seems so selfish to ask other people to disrupt their lives in order to help make ours more manageable.  But I am more convinced than ever that I cannot be left home with her when he is gone. 

She confessed to me and everyone in the car on the way home from school, that she doesn’t obey me, only David, because he has a more intimidating voice.  It’s sad.  After everything that we have gone through with her and for her, that she doesn’t have any desire to obey us, just out of love and respect.  It  only comes down to the tenor of our voices!  I wonder how far we have really come in 8 years of relationship building-? 

The rest of the afternoon went from bad to worse.  She went around the house demanding this and that from me and other people.  Dictated what we could and couldn’t say or do.  When we refused to comply, her grumpy mood escalated.  At that point, I decided that the other kids didn’t need to be subjected to her foul mood.  So we loaded into the van and left her alone with herself.  I treated them to pizza and ice cream, a much better way to spend the afternoon than listening to her grump. 

Part way through the evening I got a call from a police officer saying that she was at our house in response to a 911 call.  Apparently, Miss A had called 911 to say that she was not getting along with her parents and wanted a new home.  The police officer came to the house, checked things out and saw that she wasn’t in any danger and hadn’t trashed the place and calmly told her that she needed to work things out with us.  Escape is  our daughters only solution.  She cannot see any other way.  She has no tools for resolution and no desire to do the work needed to gain the tools.

Again, I apologize for complaining and talking bad about her, but I’m at a low spot.  A place that I know many others have been at before with their own children.  For better or worse, I’m determined to share our journey so that others can learn from it.  Take the good and be blessed or learn from our mistakes and vow to do better-either way is good.

The strain on our marriage is hard to bear.  If we could always agree on how to handle her, or be ever-so-careful to not place blame, it would be so wonderful.  But that is not always the reality.  David and I are a team, but when you are both so tired and stressed, its easy to let hurtful words slip or imagine you are being attacked.  You imagine all sorts of things that may or may not be true.  It’s not o.k. to lash out on your child, the very person causing stress yet the one you are both desperately trying to save, so you lash out on each other.  But all you have is each other.  You agreed to have the other persons back.  They are not the enemy!  So you remember that, vent a little, cry a lot, and reposition onto the same side of the playing field again.  Game on!

How God Holds Us

 This picture says it all. 

 Here are two people that reached beyond the differences between them and loved each other deeply.
This is our Mr. J and my grandma.  A strong, kind, good woman that accepted the hardships in her life with grace and dignity.

The rest of the picture is just as beautiful.  A slight, curly haired boy with dark eyes stands with his hand on the shoulder of an old woman in a wheel chair and they look lovingly into each others eyes.  Though hers are dim and she can barely see, her memory is faded and spotty so that its difficult to remember names and faces, yet she knows without a doubt who is holding her hand.

A precious moment in time.  One that makes the angels sing on high.  These are the gifts of heaven, a glimpse into eternity.  The times that fill our hearts and mend the hurts.  A touch from the Divine.

We miss Grandma daily, and we don't know how long we will have Mr. J with us.  Riddled from birth with unanswered health issues, he is a miracle of  life.  But no matter what the future holds, we have been given moments like this, a healing balm for our aching hearts.

Be Blessed,
Cathy