I met someone today, you would have liked her.  Since the morning met me with grey, dark drizzle, I had intended to rebel against getting up at all. Tthen remembered that it was Friday, Womens Bible Study day at church.  So instead of chasing the kids out the door  for school and then climbing back under covers, I did my hour of Zumba ("It is the one that makes you sweat" and their are not kidding!), showered and rushed off to Bible study.
We have not been going to this church very long and the room was full of strangers.  In some ways I like that, its a clean slate.  General introductions were made and I found myself seated next to a woman who was a little older than myself, one who shares my name, but with a 'K'.  I instantly liked her, despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.  She was casual and easy going.  Almost plain, but there was enough of a sparkle in her eyes and smile to bring interest to her features.  There was a calm, strength in her manners, but with a gentleness that put you at ease.  I like her laugh.  It was almost a chuckle, but was heartfelt.  Laughs are important.  People who can't laugh easily make me nervous.  She laughed easily and it made me like her right away.
After the study, which was very good by the way (it will make going in the future so much easier-you can read between the lines there.), we shared prayer requests and I shared about some of the struggles we'd been having.  When it was over, Kathy turned to me and started sharing that her and her husband were both adopted.  As we chatted, she explained to me that they had been having a lot of problems in their marriage.
She described how he had been taken away from his mother when he was 9 months old because she was a heavy drug user.  He then bounced around in the foster system until he was 9 years old, when he was finally adopted.  Unfortunately, his adoptive family has since severed all contact with him. Which at first was very difficult for her to understand and made her quite angry. Since then, however, she has experienced many things that has led her to be much for sympathetic toward their strong stance.
They have only been married 3 years and over the past year he spent 3/4 of it in homeless shelters. It was clear that there were many others things she didn't dare to share with a virtual stranger. In other words, he has made life very difficult for her.  So much so, in fact, that she would have left him long ago if it weren't for the support she has received from the church body.
She confessed that none of his issues were apparent when they were dating.  It all came out after the wedding.  That he was charming and engaging to strangers, but quite the opposite at home. Unable to commit to a job, he was constantly unemployed. Do any of you recognize the patterns here?  Sadly, I have to admit that I do.  Her poor husband is likely struggling with attachment issues.
We bonded instantly as she found a comrade in someone that faces the same issues she does with her loved ones.  Her husband and some of my children have brains wired for self-preservation instead of intimacy.  Its the sad result of not having their needs lovingly met as babies.  Through no fault of their own, they didn't get nurtured, rocked, soothed, changed, fed when hungry or at least not in when they needed it most.  Their world was unpredictable and frightening.  Their little brains jumped tracks and went immediately into survival mode.  Adults were not to be trusted or relied upon,  Mommy isn't taking care of me therefore, I have to get what I need myself.
The unfortunate result of jumping the tracks in our brain and having them rewire themselves, is that they don't come back very easily.  Although people with attachment issues still innately desire to be close to others, especially a mother figure, they are still scared out of their wits.  They are afraid of being hurt, afraid to let you take care of them, afraid you might leave them.  If they give up control over their lives, they are letting go of their self-preservation tactics and they might DIE~!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone that struggles with attachment.  It would take a very special person to love so unconditionally.  Never able to really expect to get much in return.  My new friend seemed to me to be just the person for the job.  I admire her and I hope her husband can someday realize what a gift he has been given.  He will heal and grow and change.  He will find it within himself to surrender, allowing himself to be loved.  Because love is powerful.
Some time ago, God gave me a beautiful picture of what it would be like in heaven.  He showed me all my children around a table.  I looked at each of them and instantly knew that they no longer carried their scars.  There was a peace about them that I have never seen before.  They were healed....whole.  I hope she can see that for her husband too.
Your friend,
Cathy