How God Holds Us

 This picture says it all. 

 Here are two people that reached beyond the differences between them and loved each other deeply.
This is our Mr. J and my grandma.  A strong, kind, good woman that accepted the hardships in her life with grace and dignity.

The rest of the picture is just as beautiful.  A slight, curly haired boy with dark eyes stands with his hand on the shoulder of an old woman in a wheel chair and they look lovingly into each others eyes.  Though hers are dim and she can barely see, her memory is faded and spotty so that its difficult to remember names and faces, yet she knows without a doubt who is holding her hand.

A precious moment in time.  One that makes the angels sing on high.  These are the gifts of heaven, a glimpse into eternity.  The times that fill our hearts and mend the hurts.  A touch from the Divine.

We miss Grandma daily, and we don't know how long we will have Mr. J with us.  Riddled from birth with unanswered health issues, he is a miracle of  life.  But no matter what the future holds, we have been given moments like this, a healing balm for our aching hearts.

Be Blessed,
Cathy

Seeking Bloggy Vision

I thought this fish was cool, not sure how it relates =)

Flipping through blogs this weekend, I remembered why it is that I often feel intimidated to blog.  Looking at other blogs makes me feel empty handed.  Compared to these wonderful cooks, gardeners, happy wives, homesteaders, thankful moms, what do I have to bring?  What do I have that you might benefit from?  I think I have finally formed a vision of the gift that I have for you, and its one that really makes me smile (unlike our fish friend above-he is still seeking a bloggy vision -lol).  I bring what I lack.

I've got it all together!

I would love to have it all together.  To be organized, cheerful, energetic, the perfect weight, have time to garden, have an adorably decorated house....etc.  But I don't.  Just like most of the world, I struggle daily to hold it all together.  But that's the beauty of it.  I am finally finding that its in the very depth of the struggle that I am made whole.  God loves it when I need Him.  

We are thankful for the life that God has given us, and know without a doubt that it is what He has called us to.  But He called us in our imperfection, in our neediness.  Knowing what we are and how much we would stumble, He chose us to be the ones to walk this road.  It was not because of our gifts, abilities or credentials.  

These are difficult days that we live in.  We need to spur one another on in love, give a hand up in our brokenness and the soothing balm of a smile to the hurting.

This is true for every aspect of being a wife, mother or even a woman. But also true for adoption. 

It is my ardent belief that there is far too much "putting on a face" in adoption.  David and I are blessed beyond measure through our children, but we have and still are, enduring much heartache and pain.  I am the first to admit that adoption doesn't always bring difficulty, but I have also learned to NEVER judge those who struggle.  It is real and judging the family only brings more heartache and suffering.  We need to not be afraid to admit the struggles and encourage one another.  I don't blame the children, only the evil that wreaked havoc on their hearts, causing them to live in fear.  To lash out at the very ones that are attempting to offer them safety and love.

I want to share my heart with you, share my struggles, hoping you will be encouraged-never judged.  I invite you to contact me.  Share your stories, comments....whatever.  This is your place to feel at home.

Thats what this blog is about---thats my 'bloggy vision"  :)

I met someone today, you would have liked her.  Since the morning met me with grey, dark drizzle, I had intended to rebel against getting up at all. Tthen remembered that it was Friday, Womens Bible Study day at church.  So instead of chasing the kids out the door  for school and then climbing back under covers, I did my hour of Zumba ("It is the one that makes you sweat" and their are not kidding!), showered and rushed off to Bible study.
We have not been going to this church very long and the room was full of strangers.  In some ways I like that, its a clean slate.  General introductions were made and I found myself seated next to a woman who was a little older than myself, one who shares my name, but with a 'K'.  I instantly liked her, despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.  She was casual and easy going.  Almost plain, but there was enough of a sparkle in her eyes and smile to bring interest to her features.  There was a calm, strength in her manners, but with a gentleness that put you at ease.  I like her laugh.  It was almost a chuckle, but was heartfelt.  Laughs are important.  People who can't laugh easily make me nervous.  She laughed easily and it made me like her right away.
After the study, which was very good by the way (it will make going in the future so much easier-you can read between the lines there.), we shared prayer requests and I shared about some of the struggles we'd been having.  When it was over, Kathy turned to me and started sharing that her and her husband were both adopted.  As we chatted, she explained to me that they had been having a lot of problems in their marriage.
She described how he had been taken away from his mother when he was 9 months old because she was a heavy drug user.  He then bounced around in the foster system until he was 9 years old, when he was finally adopted.  Unfortunately, his adoptive family has since severed all contact with him. Which at first was very difficult for her to understand and made her quite angry. Since then, however, she has experienced many things that has led her to be much for sympathetic toward their strong stance.
They have only been married 3 years and over the past year he spent 3/4 of it in homeless shelters. It was clear that there were many others things she didn't dare to share with a virtual stranger. In other words, he has made life very difficult for her.  So much so, in fact, that she would have left him long ago if it weren't for the support she has received from the church body.
She confessed that none of his issues were apparent when they were dating.  It all came out after the wedding.  That he was charming and engaging to strangers, but quite the opposite at home. Unable to commit to a job, he was constantly unemployed. Do any of you recognize the patterns here?  Sadly, I have to admit that I do.  Her poor husband is likely struggling with attachment issues.
We bonded instantly as she found a comrade in someone that faces the same issues she does with her loved ones.  Her husband and some of my children have brains wired for self-preservation instead of intimacy.  Its the sad result of not having their needs lovingly met as babies.  Through no fault of their own, they didn't get nurtured, rocked, soothed, changed, fed when hungry or at least not in when they needed it most.  Their world was unpredictable and frightening.  Their little brains jumped tracks and went immediately into survival mode.  Adults were not to be trusted or relied upon,  Mommy isn't taking care of me therefore, I have to get what I need myself.
The unfortunate result of jumping the tracks in our brain and having them rewire themselves, is that they don't come back very easily.  Although people with attachment issues still innately desire to be close to others, especially a mother figure, they are still scared out of their wits.  They are afraid of being hurt, afraid to let you take care of them, afraid you might leave them.  If they give up control over their lives, they are letting go of their self-preservation tactics and they might DIE~!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone that struggles with attachment.  It would take a very special person to love so unconditionally.  Never able to really expect to get much in return.  My new friend seemed to me to be just the person for the job.  I admire her and I hope her husband can someday realize what a gift he has been given.  He will heal and grow and change.  He will find it within himself to surrender, allowing himself to be loved.  Because love is powerful.
Some time ago, God gave me a beautiful picture of what it would be like in heaven.  He showed me all my children around a table.  I looked at each of them and instantly knew that they no longer carried their scars.  There was a peace about them that I have never seen before.  They were healed....whole.  I hope she can see that for her husband too.
Your friend,
Cathy

Behind the scenes

People are always curious about "how we manage it?" I'm never quite sure how to respond. Reality is that most of the time, life at our house is more of a controlled chaos than the well-oiled machine that I dream of it being. David is organized and systematic by nature. I am more… well, scatter brained-sort of a "sit down before you hurt yourself" type of gal. Even as a young adult my mother would send me to bed for the safety of all. I like to tell myself that I am doing better now, but managing a large family still does not come naturally for me. A caretaker by nature, I'm in my 'zone' when someone is sick. But see, that is where God is so amazing. It would be too easy if this came naturally. Working against the grain is where the real growth happens. A good sense of humor doesn't hurt either.

So, you wanted to know about our house, am I right? You thought that we had a roomy house for all these teenagers to stretch out comfortably in. That's ok, we get that a lot. The original house, that we bought 8 years ago, was a 1500 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bath rambler built in 1977. It had the original orange shag carpet and heavy plaid curtains in the '70's autumn colors. We liked the house because its in a neighborhood where everyone has about 2 acres of land. Within the first two years, we cleared off some of the trees for more light, took out walls to make it more live-able, incorporated the garage into living space and added 12 feet onto one end of the house to make more bedrooms. Today the house is about 2700 square feet. Not luxurious, but functional. If we ever try to sell the prospective buyers will wonder why anyone would need such a large laundry room or two full stoves in the kitchen, but its how this family rolls. The only thing I really wish we had was a bigger master bedroom. Apparently, personal space for the parents wasn't a priority in the '70's! Our bedroom is only slightly larger than the kids' and our "bathroom" is barely big enough to turn around in-no bath (ugh!) That's ok though, it gives me something to dream of….an nice big bedroom with a sitting area and a bathroom with a soaking tub…someday.



Now, I know you have more questions rattling around in your head…let me know what they are and I'll answer them J

Ahhh...a day off with my best!

David and I at the port in Seattle.  Such a glorious November day in so many ways!

His laugh...it still captures my heart

Do you see a resemblance???  No, how about to any famous figures??

David said it looks like I had a bad lip job

Just to prove I am able to take a "normal" picture

This morning he sent a text after he left for work saying that he "wished it was yesterday"-me too!  But I am thankful.  It was what we needed.  The girls did a wonderful job holding down the fort while we were away.  Driving kids around, making dinner and even cleaning the house!  Everything was tip-top shape when we got home!

Praise God for Small Victories!

            HOORAY!!!


Although sleep came easy tonight, I couldn't wait to share how things turned out yesterday, I had to get up and write while it was still quiet.
So, my little juvenile delinquent spent most of the day in his room.  He didn't even come out to ask for food, instead he walked to the gas station and bought himself a frozen hamburger-yuck!  I guess he figured that I wouldn't be willing to feed him when he didn't go to school. He ate it outside and that was about all I saw of him all day.  I did make a point of leaving his bedroom door open while I made phone calls inquiring about the law regarding children going to school, calls to the school counselor and to David regarding the situation.  He got to sit in his room and listen to us taking his stand very seriously.
The day went from bad to worse when the rest of the kids came home from school.  They came in tattling on each other about bad bus behavior and verbal bullying.  Very frustrating!  Nothing gets my blood boiling faster than when I hear my children have been putting other kids down!!!  I sat them all down and in my, "I'm mean business" tone (less effective than I imagine it is) told them that they would be walking to school from now on if they couldn't ride the bus nicely.  An empty threat, but it buys me time to think of a real one, and was literally all that I could come up with considering the state of mind I was already in.  And really only made the kids angry at each other for tattling and at me for being a control freak.
There has been a dark cloud hanging over our house for months now and it descended like a fog yesterday.  You could feel the dreary, damp anger and discouragement clinging to everyone in the house.  It felt like it was getting darker by the minute.  In an attempt to just get away, I grabbed my coat and headed out for some fresh air.  I had vainly hoped to walk alone, but was met by my 15 year old tattler, ready to vent some more.
I allowed him to walk one lap around our neighborhood with me, if he came up with a solution instead of more problems.  I'm full to the eyeballs with problems.  Shockingly (not) he had no solutions, so I went one more alone.
When I got home, my homemade french bread was cooling on the counter and that crock pot lasagna was done.  I asked the kids to help make the salad and set the table.  We have not been sitting down together for dinners lately and it was a perfect night to change that.  Besides it would make out little delinquent realize what he was missing in not choosing to be a part of the family.
Just as we finished up, the "bus bully" came to me and apologized for not being respectful to me and others.  Great move!  This precious child does NOT like to admit when he is wrong and really does not like anything that feels like relationship building.  WOW!  Breakthrough!
Now my fake smile has a hint of realism and my slumping shoulders just lifted a little...
I was expecting David to come home and sit down to dinner with us, instead he had decided to take the bull by the horns and have a 'man' talk with Mr. Hooky-SUPER!
So, while they drove off to have dinner out together, we all sat down to a nice dinner around the table.  In an attempt to break through the gloom, I decided to have each person say something nice about the others at the table, one at a time.  It was so sweet!  Even the 'bus bully' and the 'tattler' lost their titles and became brothers again.  Our new little princess who has been struggling to find her place in the crowd thanked everyone for making her feel so welcome and for letting her "be a part of the family".  Yep, mama had tears...
It was incredible.  I took the opportunity to finish it up by praising and encouraging each person at the table.
Meanwhile, David had an amazing time with our other son.  Who will now lose his title of Mr. Hooky.
When Daddy asked him where he would like to go to dinner he said, "Uh, Dad...I don't think that I deserve..."  David interrupted him and said, "Nobody's asking what you deserve son.  None of us deserve anything that we have.  I'm asking you where you want to eat together".  David then suggested that they eat at a somewhat expensive Thai food place that is considered VERY special.  This is an especially wonderful treat as we rarely eat out.
They had a great time and David was able to break through the hurt and anger that had been driving the poor behavior.  Together, they made a plan for the future, talked about what kind of man he wanted to be when he grew up, cried and bonded.  Golden stuff, right there!
There's so much more that they talked about and shared, but I have to go shower now.
Lets just say, David is such a wise, wise man.
What does the Bible say?... "Giving them a garland of praise for ashes"
Smiles :)
Cathy  

Me taking my son to school-lol

One way or the other, he's GOING to school tomorrow!