holding it all together..or not!

Reading one of my favorite books of all time, "The Christians Secret To A Happy Life" by Hannah Whitall Smith. 

I thought I would share a quote that touches me every time I read it...

The greatest burden we have to carry in life is self. The most difficult thing we have to manage is self. Our own daikon living, our frames and feelings, our especial weaknesses and temptations, and our peculiar temperaments, our inward affairs of every kind, these are the things that perplex and worry us more Than anything else,and that bring us oftenest into bondage and darkness. In laying off your burdens, therefore, the first one you must get rid of is yourself. You must hand yourself and all your inward experiences, your temptations, your temperament, your frames and feelings, all over into the care and keeping of your God, and leave them there.  He made you, and therefore He understands you and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it. say to zhim, "Here, Lord, I abandon myself to thee. I have tried in every way I could think of to manage myself, and to make myself what I knowI ought to be, but have always failed. Now I give it up to thee. Do thou take entire possession of me. Work in me all the good pleasure of thy will. Mould and fashion me into sucha vessel as seemeth good to thee. I leave myself in thy hands, and I believe thou wilt, according to thy promise, make me into a vessel unto thy honor, 'sanctified', and meet for the Master's good work" and here you must rest,trusting yourself thus to Him continually and absolutely. 

I love the freedom this passage suggests. I see the parts and pieces of my life flying in the wind and I try to pull them back together with bungee cords of my own making. Pretending that I am the person that I am suppose to be, hoping nobody sees the dangling sins and inconsistencies. It's too hard, I can't manage myself. I can't hold it all together!  But as Hannah Smith suggests...I don't need to!

SEARCHING FOR GRACE AMID FEAR

I wrote this over the weekend and thought I would go ahead and share it. Maybe there are some who can relate to it.

Tonight we ushered in 2012. Much to our surprise, our welcome party into the New Year included the first full blown "episode" for Miss Abby in over 8 months!  She did not have one of these the whole time she was in the program or since she came home in October. The really frustrating part  is that we are on a weekend vacation to the Oregon Coast with two other families, something we rarely dare to do!  

The issue started because she was sharing a bed with Jojo, which she was not happy about and she felt the need to wiggle her leg for a while before going to sleep, provoking a fight. Her solution was that Jojo go somewhere else to sleep. Not really what I had in mind. In my mind, her choice was to stop wiggling or sleep somewhere else herself. Not wanting to do either, she proceeded to make a stink. 

The stink escalated to screaming and wailing, then "discussing" with her invisible friend the plan to leave. 

What is especially hard for me is that David and I disagreed on how to handle the situation. I should have listened to him, of course. And now I feel like garbage.  He wanted to just get Jojo out of there, make her a bed somewhere and let the household get sleep ( likely saving the weekend as well). My feeling was that if she wanted to be the problem, she should either have to go somewhere else or help make Jojo a bed somewhere else. 

Let me take a minute and explain my reasoning- 

       Before Abby went into the program her behavior was completely out of control. She would rage out of control at the slightest provocation, scaring the kids and leaving David and I physically and emotionally exhausted. We got to the point of walking on egg shells trying to keep from causing any issues with her just so we could have as normal a life as possible.  Unfortunately, instead of keeping her calm, she would just find a new way to throw a log in our path so we would have to address it and she would have a reason to ramp up her behavior. Partly because it gave her a sick sort of comfort from her pain, and partly for attention. Our fault in it was allowing the behavior to ramp up. 

My problem tonight was that my response was based in fear. I was afraid to let the behavior go because I'm scared of repeating our past patterns. 

So here I sit at 2 a.m. Posting guard outside her bedroom door to make sure she doesn't slip out of the house in the middle of the night. She probably won't, but you never can tell with her, besides it makes the other kids feel safer knowing I am watching. David is in bed, probably not really sleeping. Both feeling frustrated at ourselves, each other, and the situation. The question is, what needs to change? 

We need to find a way to manage this complicated relationship more effectively. I don't believe that all is lost but this child has a very limited chance of ever living on her own due to her disabilities And I feel desperate to find a place of peace and grace with her. 

So much rides on me and where I am at in my relationship with her and the Lord. Honestly, she is not a very easy person to be around, so when I am stressed or tired, I tend to pull away some. I REALLY need Gods help to keep me vulnerable and tender-hearted. No one would argue that I have every reason in the world to be hurt and even angry with her. She has done a lot of hurtful things to our family. It's easy for me to allow a protective wall to rise up between us. The hardest thing is living in a really raw, unprotected, vulnerable place where I have to trust that God will protect my heart and family. 

A fitting quote-

I used to have a handle on life....




IT BROKE

Some Christmas snapshots

 Christmas Eve in festive downtown Poulsbo

 Our oldest daughter and her future husband-yeah!!!

 Cant even tell he was grease from head to toe an hour before

but he got his car running again, so he's all smiles :)

 Big brother Ashy is such a comfort to us all!

 Daddy hammin' it up for the kids..guess he likes his new towel!

 So good to have Sarah home for the holidays-she always makes us laugh!



Good Morning :)

Love these early mornings alone. Everyone else in the house is still sleeping and I can take the time to gather my thoughts.  These moments are rare, especially when the kids have school, but I treasure them. 

With my warm cup of coffee in hand and my ever-faithful pup draping her head across my lap. I allow the fullness of the life that God has given me to fill my heart. 

It's been such a long time since I have posted, it's hard to know where to start filling you in on our struggles and triumphs. 

I guess it would be best to start with letting you know that our Little Miss Abby is home again. The program was very good for her and a life saver for us. We are very proud of the hard work she put into learning how to control her emotions. It required a lot from all of us, we all grew by leaps and bounds. 

Forgiving and allowing God to heal our hearts is more difficult than I had ever imagined. We still have a long way to go, but we are moving forward now where'd before we were slipping backward. 

She is a "senior" this year but will not be able to live independently for many years, if ever. It's a daily challenge to not allow myself to worry about what the future will look like. When I think about all the things that God has brought us through so far, I'm ashamed that I would doubt Him now. 

This is random but I watched my all time favorite movie "Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart the other day. Love this line where Elwood P. Doud says,

"My mother always told me, 'Elwood, in this world you must either be very,very smart or ever so pleasant'. For years I was smart, I recommend pleasant!" 

Blessings to you, friend. 

Change is in the air!

   David left yesterday for a business trip and won't be back until late Thursday night.  Although I will miss him terribly, the thought of him going isn't nearly as overwhelming these days.

In the past, we could pretty much count on the fact that there would be some sort of "event" when he was away.

For the safety of everyone, we had decided to never have Miss A home when David was out of town. You can read more about it HERE  The difficulty was finding somewhere for her to go, since he travels fairly frequently.

What a difference it made knowing that she was somewhere safe and we could look forward to a somewhat 'normal' week.

I slept like a baby.  In the past, I have laid awake most of the night on alert for what might happen.  My hands would be shaky every moment of every day that he was away.  But when he'd call to check on us, I would try my hardest to pretend that I was relaxed and happy.  I couldn't bear to let him know how I suffered!  His job is challenging enough without having the added stress of wondering if your family was safe.

At 2:00 I cheerfully dropped him off at the ferry and drove home without a care.  In fact, I had a lovely phone conversation with Miss A on the way home!

She sounds great!  Missing us of course, but not distraught.  Miss S talked to her too and noticed how much more 'grown up' she sounded.  I agree.  She seems to be processing things in a much more mature way.  I'm very proud of her and miss her so much, despite the past.  We talked about how this whole thing is going to be very good for all of us-I really believe that!

I even took time to sew a new purse!

Before he left...

We broke the news to the kids that we would be implementing the new points/rewards system for behavior that the MTFC program (that Miss A is in) requires.  The program director would like us to have the same system they use in her foster family in place when she comes home for visitation.  Although the kids hate the thought, David and I are pretty excited about it.  

David answering questions about the "new program"

Points/ reward systems are not usually very effective for kids with attachment issues, which most kids who are adopted have to some degree.  It becomes one more thing that they use to control and manipulate you, therefore, I don't usually advocate using them.  But as this is required for the program, and as it has been designed for VERY challenging children, I am looking forward to giving it a try.

Here is a very basic outline of what is required at the first of three "levels".  I will introduce you to the other two levels as soon as the program director gives us that information.

Points                     things required to earn points                                                                                             

5                            up on time

15                          ready for the day-brush teeth, 

                              clean clothes, eat breakfast

15                          morning clean up-make bed, 

                              clothes away, room neat,

                               personal items put away

10                          pass inspection- 

                              backpack, pockets, room check

15                          homework done, 

                              read and study time

10                          chore

15                         ** school card

                             (teacher signature and performance)

15                          attitude/maturity-

                                respectful problem solving,

                                accepting 'no', follow directions -A.M.

15                          attitude/maturity--P.M.

10                          shower/bedtime

5                            medication-taken nicely

0-5 bonus               caught doing something good

** School card signed by each teacher stating if they had all homework done, behavior was good, tardy or not, etc.  We will only do this for classes they have below a C

***  They must earn at least 100 points each day in order to "spend" points for privileges the next day

Privilege                  Description          Point cost   

Basics                   Radio/tv in room,       40

                             9pm bedtime   

     

Later bedtime        Later bedtime

                              on non-school days    15

phone calls             to approved

                              list of friends         15 for 20 min

other                      computer time, 

                                stereo,                     20 for 30 min

                               nintendo, 

                              etc with approval   

                                                  

tv                           after chores 

                              and homework             20

points bank            save extra points

                             for special privileges  

                              cost negotiated

                               

 additional ideas

(what motivates you?)

Shots from a Sunny Sunday :)