Ahhh...a day off with my best!

David and I at the port in Seattle.  Such a glorious November day in so many ways!

His laugh...it still captures my heart

Do you see a resemblance???  No, how about to any famous figures??

David said it looks like I had a bad lip job

Just to prove I am able to take a "normal" picture

This morning he sent a text after he left for work saying that he "wished it was yesterday"-me too!  But I am thankful.  It was what we needed.  The girls did a wonderful job holding down the fort while we were away.  Driving kids around, making dinner and even cleaning the house!  Everything was tip-top shape when we got home!

Praise God for Small Victories!

            HOORAY!!!


Although sleep came easy tonight, I couldn't wait to share how things turned out yesterday, I had to get up and write while it was still quiet.
So, my little juvenile delinquent spent most of the day in his room.  He didn't even come out to ask for food, instead he walked to the gas station and bought himself a frozen hamburger-yuck!  I guess he figured that I wouldn't be willing to feed him when he didn't go to school. He ate it outside and that was about all I saw of him all day.  I did make a point of leaving his bedroom door open while I made phone calls inquiring about the law regarding children going to school, calls to the school counselor and to David regarding the situation.  He got to sit in his room and listen to us taking his stand very seriously.
The day went from bad to worse when the rest of the kids came home from school.  They came in tattling on each other about bad bus behavior and verbal bullying.  Very frustrating!  Nothing gets my blood boiling faster than when I hear my children have been putting other kids down!!!  I sat them all down and in my, "I'm mean business" tone (less effective than I imagine it is) told them that they would be walking to school from now on if they couldn't ride the bus nicely.  An empty threat, but it buys me time to think of a real one, and was literally all that I could come up with considering the state of mind I was already in.  And really only made the kids angry at each other for tattling and at me for being a control freak.
There has been a dark cloud hanging over our house for months now and it descended like a fog yesterday.  You could feel the dreary, damp anger and discouragement clinging to everyone in the house.  It felt like it was getting darker by the minute.  In an attempt to just get away, I grabbed my coat and headed out for some fresh air.  I had vainly hoped to walk alone, but was met by my 15 year old tattler, ready to vent some more.
I allowed him to walk one lap around our neighborhood with me, if he came up with a solution instead of more problems.  I'm full to the eyeballs with problems.  Shockingly (not) he had no solutions, so I went one more alone.
When I got home, my homemade french bread was cooling on the counter and that crock pot lasagna was done.  I asked the kids to help make the salad and set the table.  We have not been sitting down together for dinners lately and it was a perfect night to change that.  Besides it would make out little delinquent realize what he was missing in not choosing to be a part of the family.
Just as we finished up, the "bus bully" came to me and apologized for not being respectful to me and others.  Great move!  This precious child does NOT like to admit when he is wrong and really does not like anything that feels like relationship building.  WOW!  Breakthrough!
Now my fake smile has a hint of realism and my slumping shoulders just lifted a little...
I was expecting David to come home and sit down to dinner with us, instead he had decided to take the bull by the horns and have a 'man' talk with Mr. Hooky-SUPER!
So, while they drove off to have dinner out together, we all sat down to a nice dinner around the table.  In an attempt to break through the gloom, I decided to have each person say something nice about the others at the table, one at a time.  It was so sweet!  Even the 'bus bully' and the 'tattler' lost their titles and became brothers again.  Our new little princess who has been struggling to find her place in the crowd thanked everyone for making her feel so welcome and for letting her "be a part of the family".  Yep, mama had tears...
It was incredible.  I took the opportunity to finish it up by praising and encouraging each person at the table.
Meanwhile, David had an amazing time with our other son.  Who will now lose his title of Mr. Hooky.
When Daddy asked him where he would like to go to dinner he said, "Uh, Dad...I don't think that I deserve..."  David interrupted him and said, "Nobody's asking what you deserve son.  None of us deserve anything that we have.  I'm asking you where you want to eat together".  David then suggested that they eat at a somewhat expensive Thai food place that is considered VERY special.  This is an especially wonderful treat as we rarely eat out.
They had a great time and David was able to break through the hurt and anger that had been driving the poor behavior.  Together, they made a plan for the future, talked about what kind of man he wanted to be when he grew up, cried and bonded.  Golden stuff, right there!
There's so much more that they talked about and shared, but I have to go shower now.
Lets just say, David is such a wise, wise man.
What does the Bible say?... "Giving them a garland of praise for ashes"
Smiles :)
Cathy  

Me taking my son to school-lol

One way or the other, he's GOING to school tomorrow!

What now?

So after a sleepless night, I wake to a 12 year old boy refusing to go to school. We have struggled with behavior problems with this child since the day he came almost 4 years ago. What frustrates us more than anything is that he has such amazing potential. He is a born leader, charming and engaging marred only by his utter disregard for authority. What to do now?

Time is ticking until he is in high school. The consequences for bad choices at that age is much more severe, often following you for the rest of your life. How do you make a child "care"? He doesn't care about school, he doesn't care about his family, he doesn't care about other peoples feelings, he doesn't care about God. The things he cares about are his Ipod, his clothes, keeping his white tennis shoes spotless, girls, movies, etc. He was born cool. Quite literally, he has it "going on" and he knows it. So what do we do with that?

Our choices seem to be...

An alternative school/living situation such as; boarding school, military school, therapeutic school-all running us between $2000-$6000 per month

Homeschooling him; which didn't go too well the first time but may have better results the second time. Which would include tutoring at Kumon. But would it be enough to turn his attitude around-I wonder??

Send him for a long vacation to see his mom in Ethiopia. Maybe a visit with her will help him realize the opportunity he has here.

Go Crazy!!

Do nothing, just wait and see if he turns his attitude around

I made a bunch of phone calls already today. Investigating what our options are. It doesn't look real promising yet, but we will keep trying.

On the up side- there is a wonderful smelling Lasagna cooking in the crock pot. When all else fails....eat well! LOL

Awake again. It seems I haven't had a full nights sleep in weeks. The depth of my loneliness has come to consume me, a familiar reality. The old struggles roll together with the new, piling hurt and frustration and worry, one upon the other in a suffocating blizzard of emotion. I can't catch my breath. I can't sleep. tears flow in aggravating endlessness. I long to reach out to someone, to pour out my heart to anyone that would listen. But the heartbreaking truth is that there is no one. I know all too well that there is no one.

Time and energy spent tending the hearts of my children has replaced the efforts of tending friendships, and there lies the void. No one that knows me, no one to listen. Even if I did feel that I had payed ahead in a relationship enough to call upon the account in my time of need, the likely response to my hearts cry would surely be that we had ' brought this upon ourselves'. Words I can't bear to hear as I gasp for breath.

So here I sit, licking my own wounds and feeling trapped. I need a break so badly but can't go anywhere because we never know when Miss A will have an "episode". I'm worn out and tired of feeling afraid of her. Every time I hear her voice raise even a little, my hands instantly start to shake involuntarily. My heart begins to race and in an instant I am on alert, ready for what may come. Will I ever get over it?

The last "episode" was especially traumatic for me. I was alone with her and in the hour and a half struggle to keep her from doing more damage to the house, or running out into the road, my knee was injured. In her psychotic state, she doesn't recognize that I'm hurt and continues to fight me for another hour or two. We have been through so many similar scenes over the past year. Times when she has tried to hurt us or herself. I don't know why this one was particularly difficult for me to recover from. Maybe because of my knee, or the fact that I was alone, but more likely because I had been hoping that we were on the road to healing.

Hope is powerful. It carries you along in the darkest hours, giving strength and direction when none can be found. Now the dark reality that she probably will not get better consumes me in its hungry path. I don't really know how we survived the last year? The scars are still fresh in each of us. Mental illness is ugly and incredibly frightening. How long will we have to go on?

She is 16 now, will it be until she's 18? How will she ever live on her own? The added complication of being developmentally delayed, makes it impossible. She can't even read a label, let alone understand what it says. Any option for living somewhere else is far beyond out means financially. We have 10 other children to care for.

Here is where I hear the judging voices saying, "with that many children, you were bound to have this happen" or "you made your bed..." All of which is true. Except we believed that we were obeying God and we still do. Knowing that you have followed where God has led certainly helps, but doesn't preclude the need for a sympathetic ear in the hard times.

As I sort through the jumble of issues that have poured down on me over the previous months, I can't help wishing that the world would just stop long enough for me to process each thing. How I long for a vacation, even a weekend away...but I know that it would never be enough. In the end, everything would still be here, waiting. Besides, we can't leave Miss A.

I have spent hours on end sorting through the various governmental agencies trying to determine the services that are available to her now and after she turns 18. They consider us an "at risk" family (a title I never imagined we would have) and want to help us out any way they can. Yet, all good intention fall by the wayside when budgets are cut to save a drowning bureaucracy. There is nothing for us. Not even respite care.

Now, there are some families that would take her for respite. But really, I have a hard time trusting anyone's credibility that says they would willingly take our mentally ill, developmentally disabled, behaviorally challenged, RAD, ODD, etc, etc....daughter!! I say that tongue-in-cheek, but the truth is, she's still my daughter and I care about her well-being and a person would have to be insane to choose this!

I should probably go to bed now. Its 4 am and I'm back on duty in a couple of hours. Thanks for listening. As I say good night (or good morning, rather) I want to say one last thing. As difficult as this all is, I love my daughter. I don't like her illness, what we have gone through is yucky, but I do love her and will continue to stand by her (forever!), I'm thankful for her and will choose to believe that God has a plan in all of this.

Reaching to find the lost

Miss Understood - Photograph at BetterPhoto.com

Sometimes it feels as if I am outside of myself. I see what I'm doing, the motions I make on a daily basis but struggle to capture the reality that it is 'me'. Today I spent hours filling out SSI paperwork, a necessary step to get our daughter services that she so desperately needs. What services? I really can't say, no one really says...the reality is, she is developmentally delayed and has mental illness...the fact is, most days I have no idea what to do about that!

I know there are others families struggling to draw this same nightmare into their picture, but where are they, and will they really understand? I have no idea.

Today, we made it. For the moment, she is fine. Even cooperative. The psychiatrist asked me today if I thought she would ever be well; I wonder, do I ever let myself go there? It doesn't seem like a familiar question. It would be far too risky to think about. What if the answer is 'no'. No, she is never getting better. Yes, we will always deal with psychotic episodes in which she tries to run out into the highway or tries to break every dish she can get her hands on. Never mind the fact that she out weighs me by 30 pounds...and is as tall as I am, which causes us bodily pain when we try to stop her. How can I go there? How can I even wonder?

The funny thing is, we go forward. Isn't is such a gift and a curse that the sun moves relentlessly across the sky day in and day out, never stopping to allow us that extra time to catch our breath? We move on, in and out of days. Gaining wisdom and insight and strength, despite our cries to make it stop.

I will continue to make phone calls to educate myself of services that I never fathomed that I would need. And tomorrow, I will get up and take her to her meetings with teachers that have no idea how to help her learn. And I will grow, and change, and be stretched, and despite my foot stompings...I will learn to love deeper as I strive to reach farther to find that which is lost.

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.
Mother Teresa