Sometimes it feels as if I am outside of myself. I see what I'm doing, the motions I make on a daily basis but struggle to capture the reality that it is 'me'. Today I spent hours filling out SSI paperwork, a necessary step to get our daughter services that she so desperately needs. What services? I really can't say, no one really says...the reality is, she is developmentally delayed and has mental illness...the fact is, most days I have no idea what to do about that!
I know there are others families struggling to draw this same nightmare into their picture, but where are they, and will they really understand? I have no idea.
Today, we made it. For the moment, she is fine. Even cooperative. The psychiatrist asked me today if I thought she would ever be well; I wonder, do I ever let myself go there? It doesn't seem like a familiar question. It would be far too risky to think about. What if the answer is 'no'. No, she is never getting better. Yes, we will always deal with psychotic episodes in which she tries to run out into the highway or tries to break every dish she can get her hands on. Never mind the fact that she out weighs me by 30 pounds...and is as tall as I am, which causes us bodily pain when we try to stop her. How can I go there? How can I even wonder?
The funny thing is, we go forward. Isn't is such a gift and a curse that the sun moves relentlessly across the sky day in and day out, never stopping to allow us that extra time to catch our breath? We move on, in and out of days. Gaining wisdom and insight and strength, despite our cries to make it stop.
I will continue to make phone calls to educate myself of services that I never fathomed that I would need. And tomorrow, I will get up and take her to her meetings with teachers that have no idea how to help her learn. And I will grow, and change, and be stretched, and despite my foot stompings...I will learn to love deeper as I strive to reach farther to find that which is lost.
