Thursday, April 7

According to the calendar, spring has arrived.  This year it finds me sitting on a heating pad in my bed with a stocking cap on, while I write this post.  It is 33 degrees outside and we are out of dry firewood, not usually a problem for this time of year.  I don't mind though, its cozy in here and the sun is shining, giving me hope that the day will warm.
I'm hoping that it warms enough to make viewing Mr. C's baseball game a bit more comfortable, though.  It will be the first one this season that I have seen.  Between rain-outs and lack of communication on his part,  I've missed a lot of action.  For some reason, he wasn't telling me when he had a game and I decided not to push it.  My hunch is that he was unhappy with how he was playing and waited to have me there until he loosened up a bit.  Poor guy, I wish he didn't wrap so much of his personal identity up in his ability to play!
Miss A continues to be stubborn and angry with me.  I find it almost peaceful, since she refuses to talk to me.  Sounds horrid of me, I know, but typically she nips at me and everyone else all day long.  The peace is refreshing, even though you could cut the tension with a butter knife :-P
I spent most yesterday on the phone with the DCFS Family Reconciliation Service Agency, our Psych office, pediatric doctors office, friends that have friends that might be able to help, Kitsap Mental Health....ie-gathering information and resources and trying to put together a plan that will help us have a workable scenario for keeping Miss A home.  Like a dog in the garden, I'm digging like crazy to find that hidden bone- a perfect plan that we can grab onto that allows her to remain at home without sacrificing the peace and safety of everyone else in the process. I caught a few sniffs of possible options yesterday, but will need to follow up today.  Ir sounds like Group Health may help pay for outside help if they can agree upon a treatment plan with  the "outside" provider.  This was wonderful news!  We really like the Psychiatrist that she has, but treatment has focused primarily on stabilizing her Psychosis with meds and not dealing with the underlying issues or on her behavioral problems.
A workable plan might be one that includes emergency respite care for when she has an "episode" and behavioral therapy/management and treatment for her underlying PTSD.  It needs to be with someone who isn't easily manipulated or ensnared by her charms into believing that she's fine, which is what we have struggled with in the past.
So all this = more calls today.
David and I were able to get out for a bit together after the kids went to bed.  Living with all this tension has taken its toll on our relationship.  Our unshakable unity has always been a source of strength and comfort to both of us in the past.  Lately, we find ourselves questioning the other persons tactics or motives in dealing with the children.  Its sad how quickly that shakes the foundation of a marriage, thus the family.  Living with people who are unstable mentally, creates an atmosphere of  instability that taints how everyone thinks.  You can't trust your own feeling or anyone else's.  No one behaves rationally because they are functioning from a place of fear.  One fear that may be helpful for us is the fear of NOT being unified.  We are so afraid of having to parent alone that we will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together and stay unified.  I say that with a little smirk on my face, but really, its true.
Our was fun, coupon shopping at Rite Aid and Albertsons!  Its become sort of a hobby with us to hunt down the best bargains combining sales with coupons.  Toting our "coupon binder" in which we've collected and carefully filed away coupons from the Sunday papers, we head out to the stores with the best advertised deals on products we use. Our big wins last night were- 10 boxes of cereal for $1.25 each, a Venus razor for $2.00 (normally $11), 5 boxes of granola bars for around $1.35 each and Purex laundry detergent, 46 loads for $1.99 each. In the end, we spent around $60 and saved close to $100, plus got $9 off our next shopping trip.  Love it!  David is like a kid in a candy shop when we find a good deal -so cute!  We make it a little competition to see who can find the best deals, high fives and fist pounding to whoever discovers one.  Great fun!

Wednesday, April 6 6:30 am

A new day, always a good thing!  A little sleep, a fresh cup of coffee with my morning Bible time, while the birds sing outside the window.  We will make it!
The kids are milling around getting ready for school.  Well, most of them, anyway.  Miss A is slumped on the couch deciding whether or not to cooperate.  I'm trying to decide what my plan will be if she chooses not to go.  We already have a few rules established for children who refuse to get up for school-ie, I will not excuse them, so they suffer the consequences laid out by the school and they have to do chores while at home.  The challenge today is that David would rather that I not be home while she is here, at least until she decides to respect me.  So Mr. M and I will have to find something to do today.

Well....happy to say that I get to stay home and have a "normal" day today :)
She got on the bus after all.

My stress level is still fairly high, so I'm going to suit up for a little fresh air and exercise before I start chores.  No music, no phone...just my own huffing and puffing, and the birds singing-ahhhhh, therapy!!!!

Until later, have a blessed day-xxoo

Tuesday, April 5

I may sound a bit grumpy tonight, my apologies. 

Most of my day was spent trying to compose a simple email asking friends and family if they would consider helping us out by taking Miss A when David is out of town on business.  Why is it so very difficult to ask for help?  It seems so selfish to ask other people to disrupt their lives in order to help make ours more manageable.  But I am more convinced than ever that I cannot be left home with her when he is gone. 

She confessed to me and everyone in the car on the way home from school, that she doesn’t obey me, only David, because he has a more intimidating voice.  It’s sad.  After everything that we have gone through with her and for her, that she doesn’t have any desire to obey us, just out of love and respect.  It  only comes down to the tenor of our voices!  I wonder how far we have really come in 8 years of relationship building-? 

The rest of the afternoon went from bad to worse.  She went around the house demanding this and that from me and other people.  Dictated what we could and couldn’t say or do.  When we refused to comply, her grumpy mood escalated.  At that point, I decided that the other kids didn’t need to be subjected to her foul mood.  So we loaded into the van and left her alone with herself.  I treated them to pizza and ice cream, a much better way to spend the afternoon than listening to her grump. 

Part way through the evening I got a call from a police officer saying that she was at our house in response to a 911 call.  Apparently, Miss A had called 911 to say that she was not getting along with her parents and wanted a new home.  The police officer came to the house, checked things out and saw that she wasn’t in any danger and hadn’t trashed the place and calmly told her that she needed to work things out with us.  Escape is  our daughters only solution.  She cannot see any other way.  She has no tools for resolution and no desire to do the work needed to gain the tools.

Again, I apologize for complaining and talking bad about her, but I’m at a low spot.  A place that I know many others have been at before with their own children.  For better or worse, I’m determined to share our journey so that others can learn from it.  Take the good and be blessed or learn from our mistakes and vow to do better-either way is good.

The strain on our marriage is hard to bear.  If we could always agree on how to handle her, or be ever-so-careful to not place blame, it would be so wonderful.  But that is not always the reality.  David and I are a team, but when you are both so tired and stressed, its easy to let hurtful words slip or imagine you are being attacked.  You imagine all sorts of things that may or may not be true.  It’s not o.k. to lash out on your child, the very person causing stress yet the one you are both desperately trying to save, so you lash out on each other.  But all you have is each other.  You agreed to have the other persons back.  They are not the enemy!  So you remember that, vent a little, cry a lot, and reposition onto the same side of the playing field again.  Game on!

How God Holds Us

 This picture says it all. 

 Here are two people that reached beyond the differences between them and loved each other deeply.
This is our Mr. J and my grandma.  A strong, kind, good woman that accepted the hardships in her life with grace and dignity.

The rest of the picture is just as beautiful.  A slight, curly haired boy with dark eyes stands with his hand on the shoulder of an old woman in a wheel chair and they look lovingly into each others eyes.  Though hers are dim and she can barely see, her memory is faded and spotty so that its difficult to remember names and faces, yet she knows without a doubt who is holding her hand.

A precious moment in time.  One that makes the angels sing on high.  These are the gifts of heaven, a glimpse into eternity.  The times that fill our hearts and mend the hurts.  A touch from the Divine.

We miss Grandma daily, and we don't know how long we will have Mr. J with us.  Riddled from birth with unanswered health issues, he is a miracle of  life.  But no matter what the future holds, we have been given moments like this, a healing balm for our aching hearts.

Be Blessed,
Cathy

Seeking Bloggy Vision

I thought this fish was cool, not sure how it relates =)

Flipping through blogs this weekend, I remembered why it is that I often feel intimidated to blog.  Looking at other blogs makes me feel empty handed.  Compared to these wonderful cooks, gardeners, happy wives, homesteaders, thankful moms, what do I have to bring?  What do I have that you might benefit from?  I think I have finally formed a vision of the gift that I have for you, and its one that really makes me smile (unlike our fish friend above-he is still seeking a bloggy vision -lol).  I bring what I lack.

I've got it all together!

I would love to have it all together.  To be organized, cheerful, energetic, the perfect weight, have time to garden, have an adorably decorated house....etc.  But I don't.  Just like most of the world, I struggle daily to hold it all together.  But that's the beauty of it.  I am finally finding that its in the very depth of the struggle that I am made whole.  God loves it when I need Him.  

We are thankful for the life that God has given us, and know without a doubt that it is what He has called us to.  But He called us in our imperfection, in our neediness.  Knowing what we are and how much we would stumble, He chose us to be the ones to walk this road.  It was not because of our gifts, abilities or credentials.  

These are difficult days that we live in.  We need to spur one another on in love, give a hand up in our brokenness and the soothing balm of a smile to the hurting.

This is true for every aspect of being a wife, mother or even a woman. But also true for adoption. 

It is my ardent belief that there is far too much "putting on a face" in adoption.  David and I are blessed beyond measure through our children, but we have and still are, enduring much heartache and pain.  I am the first to admit that adoption doesn't always bring difficulty, but I have also learned to NEVER judge those who struggle.  It is real and judging the family only brings more heartache and suffering.  We need to not be afraid to admit the struggles and encourage one another.  I don't blame the children, only the evil that wreaked havoc on their hearts, causing them to live in fear.  To lash out at the very ones that are attempting to offer them safety and love.

I want to share my heart with you, share my struggles, hoping you will be encouraged-never judged.  I invite you to contact me.  Share your stories, comments....whatever.  This is your place to feel at home.

Thats what this blog is about---thats my 'bloggy vision"  :)

I met someone today, you would have liked her.  Since the morning met me with grey, dark drizzle, I had intended to rebel against getting up at all. Tthen remembered that it was Friday, Womens Bible Study day at church.  So instead of chasing the kids out the door  for school and then climbing back under covers, I did my hour of Zumba ("It is the one that makes you sweat" and their are not kidding!), showered and rushed off to Bible study.
We have not been going to this church very long and the room was full of strangers.  In some ways I like that, its a clean slate.  General introductions were made and I found myself seated next to a woman who was a little older than myself, one who shares my name, but with a 'K'.  I instantly liked her, despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.  She was casual and easy going.  Almost plain, but there was enough of a sparkle in her eyes and smile to bring interest to her features.  There was a calm, strength in her manners, but with a gentleness that put you at ease.  I like her laugh.  It was almost a chuckle, but was heartfelt.  Laughs are important.  People who can't laugh easily make me nervous.  She laughed easily and it made me like her right away.
After the study, which was very good by the way (it will make going in the future so much easier-you can read between the lines there.), we shared prayer requests and I shared about some of the struggles we'd been having.  When it was over, Kathy turned to me and started sharing that her and her husband were both adopted.  As we chatted, she explained to me that they had been having a lot of problems in their marriage.
She described how he had been taken away from his mother when he was 9 months old because she was a heavy drug user.  He then bounced around in the foster system until he was 9 years old, when he was finally adopted.  Unfortunately, his adoptive family has since severed all contact with him. Which at first was very difficult for her to understand and made her quite angry. Since then, however, she has experienced many things that has led her to be much for sympathetic toward their strong stance.
They have only been married 3 years and over the past year he spent 3/4 of it in homeless shelters. It was clear that there were many others things she didn't dare to share with a virtual stranger. In other words, he has made life very difficult for her.  So much so, in fact, that she would have left him long ago if it weren't for the support she has received from the church body.
She confessed that none of his issues were apparent when they were dating.  It all came out after the wedding.  That he was charming and engaging to strangers, but quite the opposite at home. Unable to commit to a job, he was constantly unemployed. Do any of you recognize the patterns here?  Sadly, I have to admit that I do.  Her poor husband is likely struggling with attachment issues.
We bonded instantly as she found a comrade in someone that faces the same issues she does with her loved ones.  Her husband and some of my children have brains wired for self-preservation instead of intimacy.  Its the sad result of not having their needs lovingly met as babies.  Through no fault of their own, they didn't get nurtured, rocked, soothed, changed, fed when hungry or at least not in when they needed it most.  Their world was unpredictable and frightening.  Their little brains jumped tracks and went immediately into survival mode.  Adults were not to be trusted or relied upon,  Mommy isn't taking care of me therefore, I have to get what I need myself.
The unfortunate result of jumping the tracks in our brain and having them rewire themselves, is that they don't come back very easily.  Although people with attachment issues still innately desire to be close to others, especially a mother figure, they are still scared out of their wits.  They are afraid of being hurt, afraid to let you take care of them, afraid you might leave them.  If they give up control over their lives, they are letting go of their self-preservation tactics and they might DIE~!
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone that struggles with attachment.  It would take a very special person to love so unconditionally.  Never able to really expect to get much in return.  My new friend seemed to me to be just the person for the job.  I admire her and I hope her husband can someday realize what a gift he has been given.  He will heal and grow and change.  He will find it within himself to surrender, allowing himself to be loved.  Because love is powerful.
Some time ago, God gave me a beautiful picture of what it would be like in heaven.  He showed me all my children around a table.  I looked at each of them and instantly knew that they no longer carried their scars.  There was a peace about them that I have never seen before.  They were healed....whole.  I hope she can see that for her husband too.
Your friend,
Cathy

Behind the scenes

People are always curious about "how we manage it?" I'm never quite sure how to respond. Reality is that most of the time, life at our house is more of a controlled chaos than the well-oiled machine that I dream of it being. David is organized and systematic by nature. I am more… well, scatter brained-sort of a "sit down before you hurt yourself" type of gal. Even as a young adult my mother would send me to bed for the safety of all. I like to tell myself that I am doing better now, but managing a large family still does not come naturally for me. A caretaker by nature, I'm in my 'zone' when someone is sick. But see, that is where God is so amazing. It would be too easy if this came naturally. Working against the grain is where the real growth happens. A good sense of humor doesn't hurt either.

So, you wanted to know about our house, am I right? You thought that we had a roomy house for all these teenagers to stretch out comfortably in. That's ok, we get that a lot. The original house, that we bought 8 years ago, was a 1500 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bath rambler built in 1977. It had the original orange shag carpet and heavy plaid curtains in the '70's autumn colors. We liked the house because its in a neighborhood where everyone has about 2 acres of land. Within the first two years, we cleared off some of the trees for more light, took out walls to make it more live-able, incorporated the garage into living space and added 12 feet onto one end of the house to make more bedrooms. Today the house is about 2700 square feet. Not luxurious, but functional. If we ever try to sell the prospective buyers will wonder why anyone would need such a large laundry room or two full stoves in the kitchen, but its how this family rolls. The only thing I really wish we had was a bigger master bedroom. Apparently, personal space for the parents wasn't a priority in the '70's! Our bedroom is only slightly larger than the kids' and our "bathroom" is barely big enough to turn around in-no bath (ugh!) That's ok though, it gives me something to dream of….an nice big bedroom with a sitting area and a bathroom with a soaking tub…someday.



Now, I know you have more questions rattling around in your head…let me know what they are and I'll answer them J